Brighter Diamonds on Haight-Ashbury

We block our light because we don’t believe in our own brilliance. We are more than cobwebbed echoes floating through eternal space. We are brighter diamonds, sparkling in the deep night sky. ✨✨

I moved to San Francisco 3 weeks ago and am filled with gratitude. The way that took me here has been winding, filled with adventure, and absolute heartache. But I’ve come to realize that we are the ones holding ourselves back from our horizons.

11/16/2021 Haight-Ashbury, San Francisco.

We block our light because we don’t believe in our own brilliance. We are more than cobwebbed echoes floating through eternal space. We are brighter diamonds, sparkling in the deep night sky. ✨✨

Love on Haight, San Francisco

We are vast beings beyond our physical bodies and minds. We are consciousness born anew every day. It’s startling to witness & difficult to understand. True being can only be lived wild and unfettered- out beyond our finite comprehension.

Freedom feels dangerous because we’ve been conditioned to fear the strength of our own dreams. The ways to awakening are before us at every moment.

In each attempt to create the best version of yourself you actually become that person. Through every act of conscious co-creation we bring Earth into greater expansion.

For we too will one day be buried, and all of this will have become so beautiful.

In that final moment what will your last thought be?

Perhaps we are here simply to guide each other along the conversation of life. Pieces and people come together when you are ready for them to be put into place. Inspiration arises organically when you surrender to your dreams. Walking every arduous step led you to now. 🔥

All of us is everything and everything is us. Separation is an illusion. Nothing is greater than being the love that changed you. Everything which came before was preparing the way to your calling. Become your full potential. That is how the light gets in. Go to where your destiny is taking you. That is how you change the world. 🖤🌈🌏❤️✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽✊🏼✊🏻🥰🙏✨

Chain-Chain Change

Hikers used the chain at Angel’s Landing because it was a 1,488-foot fall to the ground, but also because the chain existed. Simply looking at the chain caused many people to become fearful. For inexperienced climbers- having a “safety net” of sorts was important.

Of course I went off leash most of the time. Not for a contrary purpose. I just didn’t need the chains to guide me. I barely have a grip on this version of reality, but I have a grip on nature & treading where angels dare to go.

We often hold to the things we’ve outgrown out of duty and familial obligation or material security. It’s okay and important that chain, the religion, the support exists. Sometimes we need that validation and security these things offer.

Still when we are attached to our expectations, relationships, professions- anything outside of us we can become chained in forms of mental and emotional slavery.

These sentences of servitude are subtle and reflect enculturation of societal norms. They are not easily broken and often take years of meditation, therapy, and re-education. Just desiring liberation is one of the most important part of “the work.”

There is more knowledge readily available to humans now than there has been in any other time in recorded history. Yet our cultures are not up to speed with the technological breakthroughs which have come at such an advanced pace. The proliferation of hints about misinformation are almost worse than the actual misinformation itself.

Propaganda from all sides keep pointing out false ideologies. Take your pick of soups and conspiracy theories du jour. But there is no inherent sense of fascism in this type of soup nazi. A problem with taking in so much information is that we don’t know where all to put it. That at the end of the day- people are forced into camps and baskets of good and bad.

We praise logic and lucidity when it matches up with the general consensus of the day. Scientists and theologians start out with the intent to discover something new or to come to greater understanding of their chosen discipline. Yet many observers, of both spiritual and scientific leanings, tend to maintain the status quo- to becoming maintainers of the knowledge instead of advancing it further.

It’s been proven throughout all of history that those in power attempt to maintain that power by adhering to the science and religion that best benefits the perpetuation of that culture’s ideals and motivations.


In his famous allegory, The Cave, Plato presents several chained prisoners who are forced to look at a fire casting shadows/images reflected on the back of a cave wall. He said, “On the walls of the cave, only shadows are truth.” We see mere reflections of the Forms- beauty, truth, life but do not actually ever see “Truth,” “Love,” “Mercy,” as they exist on their own. Everything is just a reflection of an ideal and we cast our own assumptions, experiences, desires and label it good, love, bad.

Objectivity of the material world becomes more apparent in nature. The riddle of “if a tree falls in a forest” becomes more clear when you’re the only one in the forest to hear its silence.


Almost all of us live this way to some extent. Not asking questions which would shake the foundations of our societies, are homes, relationships, and selves. I’ve literally known self-actualized people who said they don’t want to ask the hard questions because they don’t want to know “the answer.“

Often I wish the desire to ask these questions did not burn within my heart because life would be a lot easier to take at face value. But to stay in this false safety net would be boring, predictable, and antithetical to the propagation of life on this planet.

We spend half of our lives deprogramming ourselves from the bogus agendas of lack based mentalities that were socialized into us. But now that we know this- we have a chance to create the life which works for us and for the greater part of human civilization.

I used to think I was in the craggy places because of judgment and worthlessness. I was too precious to be planted in a garden but my heart would not be content alone in the alpines. Hearts have a way of wandering around until they find each other.

Brave hearts are not made for fences, chains, or cages. When we become less dependent on the chains we have grown accustomed to we move into bolder power.

We have the freedom to taking art, thought, life farther than it has been before. Keep following the freedom which is calling within you.

Unchain yourself from relationships, expectations, governments, and jobs which do not serve you. For each step forwards expands creation farther than it has been before and closer to where you want to go.

Beyond Thunderdome

I didn’t know I had fear of camping in the desert until confronted with the reality of its stark dry silence. The solemn landscape loomed with limestone and clay towers. Canyons leftover from a former ocean.

Approaching the desert, I suddenly became claustrophobic, small, and unsure. Surprised by my reaction, I thought,“those feelings happen in the city. Not out in the sanctuary I’ve found inherently in Nature.

I took a puff from my emergency inhaler, long breaths. AC on blast. Windows down. Whispering affirmations. Just real sexy adventurer stuff going on.

My personal wilderness street cred crumbling. A mild panic attack creeping on the edges and being quickly held at bay. Then a thought flashed: “OMG Furiosa would’ve left me out on Fury Road.” A laugh bringing a brief return to normalcy, grounding, and humbling of self.

Hurricane Flats, Utah

After two years of living in a lush pacific rainforest, I was struck by the seemingly barren landscape outside Zion National Park. The vegetation and landscape across southern Utah swiftly becoming arid, cracked. All moisture was sucked from the whipping 50 mph winds. From my breath. It’s like Earth had suddenly shed her brilliance and exposed the fragility of life just a few exits down the highway.

On a conscious level- I knew I could survive in the forest for several days if stranded or lost. I’ve picked up wilderness skills the past couple of years and could survive out in the mountains for several of days if needed. (Pick me for your Zombie invasion Team!)

The desert is a different ballgame. It’s you against the elements. There’s no direct access to water. No forests to provide protection or berries, fish, or other immediate food sources.

What you bring is all that you can carry. What you don’t have you will not find it in here. Was I ready or responsible enough for that? It is okay for a moment I was too in my head about all this?

And there was no one else who could help me were I to need assistance. I was camping solo. Just me out in the wilderness. Just as I have been a lot of times since leaving Texas. Mostly due to necessity and convenience. I travel the way I live: with a loose knit plan going a million possible directions at once.

Yet, in those anxious thoughts one can remember to access our mental health toolbox: mindfulness, meditation, medication. As well as employing holistic coping strategies like actually calling your support system and being open to guidance.

Some of the strategies which work for me may also work for you: reaching out to my support system, affirmations, remembering how much I’ve overcome while also being present, letting the feelings wash over, not attaching myself to thoughts or outcomes, radical forgiveness, attempting unconditional love, forgiving myself when that doesn’t happen.

I called my sister for reassurance. She said she could talk, but was on her way to pick up her son from daycare. I told her just hearing her voice was enough. She spoke affirmations to me. She told me I could leave the desert. That it would be okay if I kept moving. She told me I would also enjoy it if I gave it a chance. I listen to her talking to the daycare as she picks up my nephew, placed him in the car, and while she goes to pick up the dry-cleaning. She kept apologizing for having to interrupt our conversation. I told her it was perfectly fine- to just keep me on the phone. It was comforting to hear her perform these every-day tasks. It grounded me to Earth to myself to family.

Even with our recent disagreements and misunderstandings- our love for one another transcends the differences. I listen to the sound of family in a different room. Because that’s all that we are when we’re away from each other right? We’re on the same channel just on a different frequency.

Maybe that was one of the lessons I was supposed to learn in the desert. This part of the Earth is still the same Earth. Life and landscape existing and abounding in different ways. I needed to adjust my perception and unpack fears of the unknown.

Take the break which life is giving to you in the moment of your discomfort. A pause is just an opportunity to prepare for your next adventure beyond things like fears, and desires and personal Thunderdomes.

Angel’s Rest at Zion National Park

Setting the Record Strait

I was sat in meditation upon a plateau full of rock labyrinths in the sacred heart of mysterious Mt. Shasta. Asking the Universe for answers, as always, and waiting for a sign that I was on my path. Knowing this time I was not the crafter of my life disaster. This time the fuck- up truly was not my fault.

Setting the Record Strait

It’s no small irony that April Fool’s marks both my 2nd year of life on the American West Coast; and the closing of my chapter in Portland & the job in social work I started two years ago, today.

It’s a fitting reminder that things aren’t quite what they seem at first. For a fool’s heart can lead you onto paths of great adventures, broad exhilarations, and deep despairs.

Tomorrow I leave for Mt. Shasta and a 2 week trip to California. I find myself being beckoned back to this legendary mountain. I’m reminded of the surreality of an experience that occurred there late last September, within riddles and stone labyrinths.

In the wake of the California wildfires, and amidst several personal and societal devastations, I received a message from something higher than myself. Thankful for reasons and second chances to fly.

The mountain itself was parched but unscathed from the flames which had vociefrously consumed so many of its neighboring forests. The scorching of the West seemed symbolic of the combustible state of America. George Floyd couldn’t breathe when he was murdered by police.

Many populations across the West breathing in masks and the worst air quality in the world. The tyrannies of systemic injustice and police brutality were punctuated by Covid, and continued collapsing of civil liberties and crises.

I was sat in meditation upon a plateau full of rock labyrinths in the sacred heart of mysterious Mt. Shasta. Asking the Universe for answers, as always, and waiting for a sign that I was on my path. Knowing this time I was not the crafter of my life disaster. This time the fuck- up truly was not my fault.

Like our embattled country, My heart had been healing from twin aftermaths: the events surrounding my first book. And more intensely the accompanying fallout from being drugged by gay white supremacists after a Black Lives Matter rally in June 2020. Yeah, I know how crazy it sounds.

I looked up from my perch and saw the answer in the form a dark long-haired woman walking 1000 feet away, along the horizon of Mount Shasta. Little did I realize pieces of my future would soon come clearer into view.

Perhaps we are briefly guided by signs from another realm. Maybe our trials double as secret Talisman readying us on the next leg of our journeys. And as I set out on a new one, it’s time to clarify my truth which has been misconstrued. It’s finally time to set the record strait.

Radically Rooted in 2021

I asked what my mantra for 2021 should be & found a black diamond run named “Radical” while skiing yesterday. It seems sort of obvious considering my Instagram name/other account which was inspired by the BLM & social justice revolution in America last summer. The revolution for human rights which continue today.

The label “Radical” has come to be to designated as “political extremists” as “perverse, “unpatriotic,” or “terrorists.”

It is counterintuitive and maddening that the human race is pitted against one another instead of being mutually cooperative.

If believing in simple human rights for each other means “radical views” than myself & many others will hold these beliefs & that label forever.

But the word #Radical has many other meanings and a long linguistic and genre-spanning history than what political overtones the word has come to be associated with these days.

According to Webster’s “When something is considered extremist or very different from anything that has come before it, call it radical.”

The earliest uses of radical are indeed all about literal roots, hinging on the meaning “of, relating to, or proceeding from a root.”

Being radical also means something that is “Markedly new or introducing revolutionary change.” By going to the roots and re-structuring, building new, becoming a new creation from the roots up.

From Webster’s- None of this will surprise the botanists: they know that radical leaves grow from the base of a stem or from a rootlike stem, and radical tubers grow from a plant’s root.

And linguists know that a verb’s radical form is its root form. In medicine, radical surgery is surgery that’s designed to remove the root of a disease.

And mathematicians and students of mathematics know that the radical sign—√ or √⁻—is used when you’re finding the square root of a number or formula.

Root itself is a familiar element in metaphoric language—we talk about “the root of the problem,” “putting roots down,” “a family’s roots”—and so perhaps radical was destined to develop figurative use too.

Radicals can also be political or societal groups. I.e. Radical feminists view society as fundamentally a patriarchy in which men dominate and oppress women. Radical feminists seek to abolish the patriarchy as one front in a struggle to “liberate everyone from an unjust society by challenging existing social norms and institutions.”

This idea and many like them gave birth to LGBTQ liberation and movements.

The Black Panther Party has been denigrated by the White Capitalist government to draw on White fears of rebellion, changing the status quo, and armed black men and women- when instead they were mostly non-violent and created social initiatives to help those within the Black communities- whom had been marginalized and purposefully forgotten.

The founders, Huey Newton and Seale drew on Marxist ideology for the party platform. They outlined the organization’s philosophical views and political objectives in a Ten-Point Program.

The Ten-Point Program called for an immediate end to police brutality; employment for African Americans; and land, housing and justice for all.

The Black Panthers were part of the larger Black Power movement, which emphasized black pride, community control and unification for civil rights. That continues today in the work of Black Queer Feminist social activism most notable in the Black Lives Matter movements across the world this summer and which continue to this day.

Perhaps the most interesting & important of all the multiple iterations of this word may lie in the idea and practice of “Radical Forgiveness.”

(RF) has the ability to shifts one’s perspective on life by fundamentally seeing struggles through an altogether different lens. From the RF perspective, life’s events happen ‘for’ us, rather than ‘to’ us.

Radical Self-Forgiveness/Self-Acceptance takes the embodiment of unconditional love & gives it a sort of framework. When You feel a negative automatic thought or emotion you accept & redirect it- similar to Cognitive Behavioral therapy.

“I’m not OK, you’re not OK; but that’s OK!” RF captures the truth about who we are and the fact that we were never meant to be perfect. If we were, there would be no one to create opportunities for us to experience forgiveness. Our perfection lies in our imperfection.

I also love the following definition of Radical Forgiveness, which is along the same lines: It is the unconditional acceptance of what is, as is, because that’s how it is meant to be.

Putting the two together then, we can say Radical Self-Forgiveness is accepting the consequences of being ourselves, just as we are. Period.

The challenges presented by 2020 have affected us all across the world. But maybe 2020 was the year we needed- to truly empathize with one another,

To see that the old ways were not working. That we needed a revolutionary change.

Radical “is something is considered extremist or very different from anything that has come before it, call it radical.”

The problems we are facing globally, societally, in our communities, personally are different and more complicated than those that came before in recent collective memory.

A challenge also presents the opportunity for solutions. When we open ourselves to the possibilities of fulfilling our true purpose the way will make itself more known. Fulfillment in our role to each other, to our planet, to our destinies are being clarified and prepared in the midst of chaotic and uncertain times.

There are answers to generational longings that are coming into being through the year of questions and uncertainty. It’s okay that we are weary and saddened by the suffering of others. This must encourage us to keep up the fight that we are currently in.

We must not grow complacent. And we are not alone. We are always in the process of becoming. We have the chance to become something more beautiful and radically different than came before and that’s exactly what all this shifting and sorting of humanity has been about. We are going to be greater than ever before because that’s where the Universe, this Pandemic, the fight for social justice, for police and authoritative accountability, where global prosperity, where the hearts and souls of our children and humanity is leading us towards- just as it always has. 💙

Collaborate and Listen: part 1

An Aztec Shaman in Zocalo honored me with a blessing two years ago this November. During an ancient Aztec ceremony he spoke words passed down from his ancestors. He chanted Earth-born hymnals as an interlocutor for his soul.

His gruff tones hummed from deep intergenerational tomes I couldn’t comprehend. Perhaps he prayed that we would see the blessing of our wayward-journeys home.

That we would choose to see the “I” inside the “other.” In words we never spoke, but we were one in our intention. In every cooperative conversation we are creating expansion for the human whole.

Connection is the nexus of creation. Where two atoms meet to create a bond- a compound, a wholly new and peculiar form. We have a chance as a society to come together from our disparate destinations and recognize there exists a soul connection. Where water and wine coalesce together.

In Zocalo the ancient Aztec ruins peak beneath the imperial public square. Sacred sites were razed asunder on streets & neighborhoods we may find ourselves brief travelers.

We stand on land which is not our own. We share this Earth with all beings whether- dead or living.

For the rot of injustice, oppression, and stubborn non-distributions of systems we rely and vote on have been exposed, protested, and on each side. We are building back better than came before.

Let us give thanks then- instead of to a nation, but appreciating unto each other and loved ones who came before. Let us be thankful for the abundant beauty, biodiversity, sustainable resources, justice spread out in every movement of our planet spinning on an axis- as fractured as it all may seem.

We are not made liable for the decisions made generations before. Each of us are responsible for making amends to everyone who is here in the present moment.

If everyone decided to radically forgive each other at this moment- everything everyone has been fighting over would come to fruition.

True justice, material and financial abundance, spontaneous sustainability would come forward BECAUSE of our mutual collaborations.

In achieving equity for all, the co-creative diverse cooperation of humankind will push us father into echelons of brilliance & sustainability. For the porches of our hearts are where we always meet one another; beyond superficial labelings like racial ethnicity, citizenship, or time.

We are united in the pursuit of human rights. And when we achieve justice for and with another person we have seen and honored the image of god who is represented by their being.

Thunder on the Mountain 2

Every Mountain calls you home in different ways. St. Helen’s is a mountain of contemplation & rebirth. The felled forests enables one to see out in vast distances. The ghostly backdrop enables one to project your thoughts and hopes onto. Engulfed in barren rugged crust of Earth.

In fact the desolation of Mt. St. Helen’s makes it among the most human of mountains on Earth.

Does Nature forgive the Earth for causing destruction to itself? Does Earth require some karmic debt to repay its own soul? What penance can one offer for the cycle between life and rebirth? In nature they are one in the same.

It made me wonder what one would do if stranded on an alien world.

Would we not be so grateful so thankful to see a whisper of life of something reminiscent of home?

Wouldn’t you gasp from the side of your mouth just to marvel at some thing real? A bed of lichen would be a forest. To see a moth flying like small prayers.

It’s because of abundance that we are even able hurt each other & plunder the planet. Even during its explosion the mountain & its forests were living. We live through our own circles of destruction.We are part of the greater whole.

So as Earth forgives itself through homeostasis: parched in some places, flooding, engulfed by fire others- humans have a very real part in healing or destroying the planet we live on- in thought, deed, and action.

Yet existence on Earth is so fragile. We take it for granted. We turn the inner world outside & vice verse. Humanity will come to peace when we each have come to inner peace w/ ourselves.

Perhaps personal catastrophes aren’t as cataclysmic in scope although they often feel like that in the middle of it all. St. Helens is an offering of contemplation & infinite redemption.


A warning tongue to be the guard of your emotions. To remember that life will come again but there our consequences to regrowing. There are scars and places within you which may never be the same but life returns.

The infinite spiral. You’re coming you’re going you go back round again on another rung of the circle. Some part of you will lives on. We’ve all affected our world by the people who are in it.

We are the closest beacon of lights but we often to look the night sky or artifice to fill the very place we should for each other. We are too worthy of so much more than we accept and give to one another.

But for those who take notice and take charge of their minds, emotions, and desires- your life can become a veritable heaven on Earth- even if in your own mind- because that’s where everything had to begin.

Let us take inspiration from nature. Let us become like the Earth’s friction and raze the skyscrape bureaucracies we created and build something better for us all.

The Protest Manifestos: Excerpts (Volume 1)

For we lie with primordial oppressors pressing up and against each other. An eternal cycle of validation and degradation. Creation, present being, and destruction.

Every action is in effort to achieve a goal. The Earth’s plates rubbed against each other and created mountains. Seas were parted in the birthing of Volcanoes.

Nations rise in valorous quests for freedom and equality. Empires fall to ruin under the weight of their own ineptitude, terrors, and systematic oppressions- once primordial and now solely human based.

Let us now take inspiration from Earth- more than ever before.

The gradual continental drift set in motion new course for life of all species upon the planet. It’s hard to understand how everything is connected when all you’ve ever known is your same hometown, friends, and communities.

Just because you don’t see things or experience the beauty of a waterfall or a beating by a police officer, the abuse of a parent, the kiss of a lover doesn’t make any of it less true or real. Lives are being lived and thriving and being snuffed out and forgotten all around us every day.

For the vast majority of privileged people it’s easier to blame another person, race, population, or system than to do your own internal work.

The systemic abuses and political inequalities around us are staggering and shameful. And for many people it seems superfluous to do the “internal work” when you’re just trying to get my make basic ends meet.

Why should you care about other people’s struggles when you haven’t had the education or opportunities to live or go outside of your community?

Yet, you don’t have to be educated or privileged to see another’s suffering and choose to ignore it.

Privilege is a ridiculous entitlement no one should possess by virtues of skin tone or orientation. But to have social privilege and ignore another’s oppression is the antithesis of humanity.

Who’s responsible for taking care of our houseless and vulnerable populations? It’s a question we have all asked at times.

The daunting task of what I am calling Societal Assignment leaves agencies and individuals with little social responsibility akin to Bystander apathy.

But the simplest explanation is- bitch, we are all responsible for the plight of our fellow humans! 👀😭🙏

Maybe some people choose to live in ignorance to the plight of humanity and the ecosystems. Maybe it’s easier to just make blanket generalizations and decisions because everything else is too complicated in life to have an alternative conversation.

It is not just “a privilege” to not care about what is going on in your world. If you live that way then you are on the wrong side of history. You are part of insidious and inhumane oppression.

Everyone must have a seat at the table and we must listen to the most vulnerable and systemically oppressed people first and most of all. For how we treat our marginalized communities is a reflection of our society as a whole. And America, we ain’t doing so great in that respect.

That has so much to do with our binary system of dualities in a swipe-eat-swipe world. We come into this world with nothing yet already owing the bank and hospitals thousands of dollars just to be born. The iniquity of debt is stamped upon many of us before we ever got here.

Just by virtue of a skin tone, geographical time and place of your birth, physical and mental impairments, intersexed and sexual orientations, all compounding the triumph and travesty of the human condition. Diversity is in face the true beauty the human condition and evolution itself.

“Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable… Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.”-MLK

Part II

Life is a ceaseless conversation in spite of great odds. The human spirit rises above current circumstances, pandemics, wars, recessions, abuses, and injustice. We came together and banded together to make society stronger for us all. It is a choice.

And we get to choose upon how society continues. Our futures are not set in stone. The present itself is rockier and more unsteady than we imagined.

The past 4 months have shaken America to its core. But oppression has always been there. Lurking quiet in the background. Insecure hunters stalking fellow humans who are simply making their way home.

The police brutality against Black people and people of color; Inequity by in healthcare, housing, education, grocery stores, court rooms- in every day activities are experienced many people have lived for centuries across the globe.

Now is the time of awakening- and some chips are going to fall farther than they land. Some actions hurt more than others and consequences can be far-reaching than ever first intended. Masks and Toxic masculinities not withstanding.

The hardships and evils in this life must push us to new ways of living. What we must have is time to find our true highest self & let that guide us forward. Let’s keep waking up ourselves and each other, fam.

So how do we find collectively find ourself as a society? It has been engrained in us to believe that if we are alone then we are wrong. The opposite is true.

Societal change starts within and where you are right now. Only in the absence of external validation of do we become our authentic and idealized selves.

And when you think you have done enough work you still find depths within yourself and you keep digging. Life will build the canals around you.

Let us take inspiration from nature. Let us become like the Earth’s friction and raze the skyscrape bureaucracies we created and build something better for everyone.

The eve of social justice revolutions is upon us. A world of true equality and justice is waiting for us all.

Fast Slow Disco part 2

Through the healing process you begin to breathe. You accept the fact that some things in your life will never change. You cannot take back what happened especially things that never should have occurred and heartbreaks never meant to be inflicted.

But you move forward with gratitude for the beauty and people planted in your life. The light you allow in begins to overflow to all and everyone who surrounds you.

Still your life doesn’t feel real in some ways. The one who came before you feels like a foreigner. You fear the other shoe is going to dropkick you. You become hesitant to trust others, to trust life- even though you know that it’s always worked out in the past. Life’s inherent nature lies in its ability to cycle. #bikelife 😆

I’ve gotten through the hardest parts of this past year by pretending it wasn’t me living through states of disgrace.

I’ve been partially ready to run my whole life. But now I fucking get why foster kids I work with do exactly that. Because what if this person does love you and this part of your life works out only for it to all go away again?

Everything exists within a state of constant flux and flexible stability. Change and not getting lost in the change is part of the process. Being rooted in oneself makes room for whatever else is coming next. Be it life, puberty, rock ‘n roll, or death.

It seems some people have had perfect lives and don’t understand what it’s like to lose, be awkward, to be dealing w/ secret burdens and shame.

Stability can appear easier for people who have the means to root themselves- mentally, physically, interpersonally, financially.

The Steadfast Souls, the most genuine people are often the ones who have wrestled and laid down with their conquered demons. How can anything shake you when you’ve been torn asunder and brought to a better life again?

It’s not our job to sort out the perceived versions of other people for none of us really even know our own selves fully. We can’t rail against or compare our lives to those who seem like some they have figured it out from day one. Because comparisons only foster resentment to ourselves and those we are judging. 

The real version of ourselves is whoever continually shows up. And it sucks when the person you’re being is far from who you know you have been who you want to be. All one can do is take it day by day and offer grace instead of self-condemnation and bad self talk because your present reality is all you got.

I don’t know what it’s like to wake up next to same person every day and have children but I’m starting to like myself when I wake up. You are not being selfish by not settling.

Sometimes you go on journeys where there is literally not one other person who could have traveled that path home but yourself and by yourself. Trust me, it won’t be like that forever.

When you experience a lot of life-changing things it takes a while for it to settle down, to feel real. It feels like everything is just going to drop again. You kind of get used to living in chaos. When things settle down it’s almost like you become accustomed to difficult situations.

As a social worker, I’ve been trained to sit with someone else’s trauma while they’re in it. I know how trauma affects you more so than ever because I’m still wading through my own. In some ways I feel totally free and authentic, yet I have also become a stranger to myself.

Is that part of the change? Is it normal to always feel in flux? Don’t people eventually settle down? Will that ever happen for me one day?

Closing yourself to love is like closing the windows of a room on a vibrant spring day like quelling wind from the mountain side. Stealing life and draining it away until you become hollow; a carbon copy of the human you used to be.

At times I do wonder if this move was worth it all. Yet I would have also betrayed myself for not following the call which changed my life.

Above all the wandering soul cannot betray their call to adventure for long. The wild hope of wanderlust always beats beneath our flesh carried by metal wings slicing the sky (our hearts) open.