Brighter Diamonds on Haight-Ashbury

We block our light because we don’t believe in our own brilliance. We are more than cobwebbed echoes floating through eternal space. We are brighter diamonds, sparkling in the deep night sky. ✨✨

I moved to San Francisco 3 weeks ago and am filled with gratitude. The way that took me here has been winding, filled with adventure, and absolute heartache. But I’ve come to realize that we are the ones holding ourselves back from our horizons.

11/16/2021 Haight-Ashbury, San Francisco.

We block our light because we don’t believe in our own brilliance. We are more than cobwebbed echoes floating through eternal space. We are brighter diamonds, sparkling in the deep night sky. ✨✨

Love on Haight, San Francisco

We are vast beings beyond our physical bodies and minds. We are consciousness born anew every day. It’s startling to witness & difficult to understand. True being can only be lived wild and unfettered- out beyond our finite comprehension.

Freedom feels dangerous because we’ve been conditioned to fear the strength of our own dreams. The ways to awakening are before us at every moment.

In each attempt to create the best version of yourself you actually become that person. Through every act of conscious co-creation we bring Earth into greater expansion.

For we too will one day be buried, and all of this will have become so beautiful.

In that final moment what will your last thought be?

Perhaps we are here simply to guide each other along the conversation of life. Pieces and people come together when you are ready for them to be put into place. Inspiration arises organically when you surrender to your dreams. Walking every arduous step led you to now. 🔥

All of us is everything and everything is us. Separation is an illusion. Nothing is greater than being the love that changed you. Everything which came before was preparing the way to your calling. Become your full potential. That is how the light gets in. Go to where your destiny is taking you. That is how you change the world. 🖤🌈🌏❤️✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽✊🏼✊🏻🥰🙏✨

Chain-Chain Change

Hikers used the chain at Angel’s Landing because it was a 1,488-foot fall to the ground, but also because the chain existed. Simply looking at the chain caused many people to become fearful. For inexperienced climbers- having a “safety net” of sorts was important.

Of course I went off leash most of the time. Not for a contrary purpose. I just didn’t need the chains to guide me. I barely have a grip on this version of reality, but I have a grip on nature & treading where angels dare to go.

We often hold to the things we’ve outgrown out of duty and familial obligation or material security. It’s okay and important that chain, the religion, the support exists. Sometimes we need that validation and security these things offer.

Still when we are attached to our expectations, relationships, professions- anything outside of us we can become chained in forms of mental and emotional slavery.

These sentences of servitude are subtle and reflect enculturation of societal norms. They are not easily broken and often take years of meditation, therapy, and re-education. Just desiring liberation is one of the most important part of “the work.”

There is more knowledge readily available to humans now than there has been in any other time in recorded history. Yet our cultures are not up to speed with the technological breakthroughs which have come at such an advanced pace. The proliferation of hints about misinformation are almost worse than the actual misinformation itself.

Propaganda from all sides keep pointing out false ideologies. Take your pick of soups and conspiracy theories du jour. But there is no inherent sense of fascism in this type of soup nazi. A problem with taking in so much information is that we don’t know where all to put it. That at the end of the day- people are forced into camps and baskets of good and bad.

We praise logic and lucidity when it matches up with the general consensus of the day. Scientists and theologians start out with the intent to discover something new or to come to greater understanding of their chosen discipline. Yet many observers, of both spiritual and scientific leanings, tend to maintain the status quo- to becoming maintainers of the knowledge instead of advancing it further.

It’s been proven throughout all of history that those in power attempt to maintain that power by adhering to the science and religion that best benefits the perpetuation of that culture’s ideals and motivations.


In his famous allegory, The Cave, Plato presents several chained prisoners who are forced to look at a fire casting shadows/images reflected on the back of a cave wall. He said, “On the walls of the cave, only shadows are truth.” We see mere reflections of the Forms- beauty, truth, life but do not actually ever see “Truth,” “Love,” “Mercy,” as they exist on their own. Everything is just a reflection of an ideal and we cast our own assumptions, experiences, desires and label it good, love, bad.

Objectivity of the material world becomes more apparent in nature. The riddle of “if a tree falls in a forest” becomes more clear when you’re the only one in the forest to hear its silence.


Almost all of us live this way to some extent. Not asking questions which would shake the foundations of our societies, are homes, relationships, and selves. I’ve literally known self-actualized people who said they don’t want to ask the hard questions because they don’t want to know “the answer.“

Often I wish the desire to ask these questions did not burn within my heart because life would be a lot easier to take at face value. But to stay in this false safety net would be boring, predictable, and antithetical to the propagation of life on this planet.

We spend half of our lives deprogramming ourselves from the bogus agendas of lack based mentalities that were socialized into us. But now that we know this- we have a chance to create the life which works for us and for the greater part of human civilization.

I used to think I was in the craggy places because of judgment and worthlessness. I was too precious to be planted in a garden but my heart would not be content alone in the alpines. Hearts have a way of wandering around until they find each other.

Brave hearts are not made for fences, chains, or cages. When we become less dependent on the chains we have grown accustomed to we move into bolder power.

We have the freedom to taking art, thought, life farther than it has been before. Keep following the freedom which is calling within you.

Unchain yourself from relationships, expectations, governments, and jobs which do not serve you. For each step forwards expands creation farther than it has been before and closer to where you want to go.

Beyond Thunderdome

I didn’t know I had fear of camping in the desert until confronted with the reality of its stark dry silence. The solemn landscape loomed with limestone and clay towers. Canyons leftover from a former ocean.

Approaching the desert, I suddenly became claustrophobic, small, and unsure. Surprised by my reaction, I thought,“those feelings happen in the city. Not out in the sanctuary I’ve found inherently in Nature.

I took a puff from my emergency inhaler, long breaths. AC on blast. Windows down. Whispering affirmations. Just real sexy adventurer stuff going on.

My personal wilderness street cred crumbling. A mild panic attack creeping on the edges and being quickly held at bay. Then a thought flashed: “OMG Furiosa would’ve left me out on Fury Road.” A laugh bringing a brief return to normalcy, grounding, and humbling of self.

Hurricane Flats, Utah

After two years of living in a lush pacific rainforest, I was struck by the seemingly barren landscape outside Zion National Park. The vegetation and landscape across southern Utah swiftly becoming arid, cracked. All moisture was sucked from the whipping 50 mph winds. From my breath. It’s like Earth had suddenly shed her brilliance and exposed the fragility of life just a few exits down the highway.

On a conscious level- I knew I could survive in the forest for several days if stranded or lost. I’ve picked up wilderness skills the past couple of years and could survive out in the mountains for several of days if needed. (Pick me for your Zombie invasion Team!)

The desert is a different ballgame. It’s you against the elements. There’s no direct access to water. No forests to provide protection or berries, fish, or other immediate food sources.

What you bring is all that you can carry. What you don’t have you will not find it in here. Was I ready or responsible enough for that? It is okay for a moment I was too in my head about all this?

And there was no one else who could help me were I to need assistance. I was camping solo. Just me out in the wilderness. Just as I have been a lot of times since leaving Texas. Mostly due to necessity and convenience. I travel the way I live: with a loose knit plan going a million possible directions at once.

Yet, in those anxious thoughts one can remember to access our mental health toolbox: mindfulness, meditation, medication. As well as employing holistic coping strategies like actually calling your support system and being open to guidance.

Some of the strategies which work for me may also work for you: reaching out to my support system, affirmations, remembering how much I’ve overcome while also being present, letting the feelings wash over, not attaching myself to thoughts or outcomes, radical forgiveness, attempting unconditional love, forgiving myself when that doesn’t happen.

I called my sister for reassurance. She said she could talk, but was on her way to pick up her son from daycare. I told her just hearing her voice was enough. She spoke affirmations to me. She told me I could leave the desert. That it would be okay if I kept moving. She told me I would also enjoy it if I gave it a chance. I listen to her talking to the daycare as she picks up my nephew, placed him in the car, and while she goes to pick up the dry-cleaning. She kept apologizing for having to interrupt our conversation. I told her it was perfectly fine- to just keep me on the phone. It was comforting to hear her perform these every-day tasks. It grounded me to Earth to myself to family.

Even with our recent disagreements and misunderstandings- our love for one another transcends the differences. I listen to the sound of family in a different room. Because that’s all that we are when we’re away from each other right? We’re on the same channel just on a different frequency.

Maybe that was one of the lessons I was supposed to learn in the desert. This part of the Earth is still the same Earth. Life and landscape existing and abounding in different ways. I needed to adjust my perception and unpack fears of the unknown.

Take the break which life is giving to you in the moment of your discomfort. A pause is just an opportunity to prepare for your next adventure beyond things like fears, and desires and personal Thunderdomes.

Angel’s Rest at Zion National Park

Setting the Record Strait Part 2

I was at Mt. Shasta writing about one of the most surreally difficult nights of my life, right before another strange event occurred on this mountain. Truth can be a stranger dance than any of our fictions.

You see, I slipped through the trapdoor of my mind after a BLM celebration, on the night of Juneteenth 2020. Transported through ethers after being intentionally drugged, without my consent or awareness.

Two days prior I had spoken out against local Proud Boys who had intimated protestors, and which I had also experienced firsthand. Now here I was getting dosed and later threatened, in my home, by several gay men who refused to denounce white supremacy- one of whom I had briefly dated.

A Fuckboi’s still a fuckboi- even if you’re locked together during quarantine.

I quickly learned a few things things that blurry night.

1. Racism can surprising extend past the reaches of sexual orientation into White superiority & Proud Boy territory.

2. Being dosed was not as fun as I used to hypothetically inappropriately joke about.

3. Feeling unsafe in your own home is a different level of fear. One which I had seen clients deal with as a social worker, but now it was happening to me while in duress. I didn’t know who to trust.

After three weeks of protesting & defunding the Portland Police by $15 million, the Black community threw a celebration and commemoration of Black freedom on Juneteenth 2020.

It was also the first day the Covid restrictions had been lifted. I decided to throw a small gathering because there had been much to celebrate that day. Whatever merriment was to be had quickly turned into a nightmare I could not get out of.

During that dosing I felt rippled through multiple timelines. Awake, slightly out of body, and far away from those moments. Wavering in and out of my present consciousness and through to possible past lives.

I could see myself and the other people I was talking to from above my own body. It sounds so strange but the words being said and emotions being felt were not mine alone for a few hours.

I still replay that evening’s events trying to understand what happened during that state of altered consciousness. For several months afterward, I came back a different soul briefly transported to another dimensional plane.

Was this all just a side effect of being in an altered state of consciousness? Did I have a shamanic experience that night or was it a brief psychosis triggered by a series of recently traumatic experiences?

Are these all just intriguing scenarios to explain the earthly and devastating reality of what happened during and after this night took place?

Returning to the present moment, I was witness to a surreal experience at Mount Shasta. Was this strange calling to follow the mysterious woman on the trail actually real or just the product of an overactive slightly stoned interpretation?

Were these true mystical experiences or do I just want them to be? Aren’t we all just seeking answers somewhere between reality and just beyond the veil?

I was over this Lemony Snicketts existence. The joke of reliving certain patterns and unexplainable circumstances, and bearing the weight of consequences that just took different forms in intricate and complicated ways.

To what purposes do signs show themselves to give only half of an answer? We are the faulty transmitters of subjective experiences. We bring all of our past programming along with us. And also our new understandings if we open ourselves to other possibilities.

During this mountain hike, I asked the Universe for a sign. Then a sudden awareness came into being.

Perhaps we are all living through multiple realities and passing though unseen dimensions in every moment.

The skeptic in me found this premise difficult to deny as the next mystical journey began to subtly unravel on Mt. Shasta & before my very eyes. I’m still on the quest to untangle these and many other mysteries in my life, Earth, & the Universe.

Setting the Record Strait

I was sat in meditation upon a plateau full of rock labyrinths in the sacred heart of mysterious Mt. Shasta. Asking the Universe for answers, as always, and waiting for a sign that I was on my path. Knowing this time I was not the crafter of my life disaster. This time the fuck- up truly was not my fault.

Setting the Record Strait

It’s no small irony that April Fool’s marks both my 2nd year of life on the American West Coast; and the closing of my chapter in Portland & the job in social work I started two years ago, today.

It’s a fitting reminder that things aren’t quite what they seem at first. For a fool’s heart can lead you onto paths of great adventures, broad exhilarations, and deep despairs.

Tomorrow I leave for Mt. Shasta and a 2 week trip to California. I find myself being beckoned back to this legendary mountain. I’m reminded of the surreality of an experience that occurred there late last September, within riddles and stone labyrinths.

In the wake of the California wildfires, and amidst several personal and societal devastations, I received a message from something higher than myself. Thankful for reasons and second chances to fly.

The mountain itself was parched but unscathed from the flames which had vociefrously consumed so many of its neighboring forests. The scorching of the West seemed symbolic of the combustible state of America. George Floyd couldn’t breathe when he was murdered by police.

Many populations across the West breathing in masks and the worst air quality in the world. The tyrannies of systemic injustice and police brutality were punctuated by Covid, and continued collapsing of civil liberties and crises.

I was sat in meditation upon a plateau full of rock labyrinths in the sacred heart of mysterious Mt. Shasta. Asking the Universe for answers, as always, and waiting for a sign that I was on my path. Knowing this time I was not the crafter of my life disaster. This time the fuck- up truly was not my fault.

Like our embattled country, My heart had been healing from twin aftermaths: the events surrounding my first book. And more intensely the accompanying fallout from being drugged by gay white supremacists after a Black Lives Matter rally in June 2020. Yeah, I know how crazy it sounds.

I looked up from my perch and saw the answer in the form a dark long-haired woman walking 1000 feet away, along the horizon of Mount Shasta. Little did I realize pieces of my future would soon come clearer into view.

Perhaps we are briefly guided by signs from another realm. Maybe our trials double as secret Talisman readying us on the next leg of our journeys. And as I set out on a new one, it’s time to clarify my truth which has been misconstrued. It’s finally time to set the record strait.

We Are Natural Mystics

We Are Natural Mystics:

There are pockets on Earth that no human eye has seen. Great mysteries of life are hidden in riddles and rivers. Ancient secrets sag in the marrow of oil.

If we have not been able to catalog and observe all parts of our planet, then how do we bound in all of this together, know how it all works? The limits go as far as we are willing to wonder.

The brilliance of human ingenuity has taken us farther than those who came before us. There are still myriad of seas to ride, underground cave systems to navigate, rain forests to keep virgin, and so many sacred mountains to ascend.

There is so much data and raw information coming to us every day that we can barely scratch the surface to ever knowing anything. We do not truly fathom how really big our world is in relationship to other people and how closely are values align. If we were to stretch all 7.8 billion people in a line across the planet it would take countless years just to say hello to each one of them.

We limit ourselves to our realities based just upon what we can see within the scope of our influence.

We do not truly fathom how really big our world is in relationship to other people and how closely are values align. If we were to stretch all 7.8 billion people in a line across the planet it would take hundreds of years just to hello to each one of them.

There are vast deserts to traverse, people in Papau-New Guniea we’ll never see, species we haven’t even conceived of are out there living undiscovered. There are long spans of human history we cannot account for; and many records have been intentionally altered, transliterated, and destroyed.

“I think therefore I am,” Descartes once implored. But thought does not necessarily translate to knowing. We are electromagnetic beings of consciousness and flesh.

It is we who are the avatars. We keep being told not to peer at the one who pulls the strings. We are lulled into this broad illusion by the dullest of means.

What is it to know oneself when for generations we have been cloaked in the trappings of conquerors and colonialists? When do we know who we really are? At what age do we become the culmination of circumstance and events that have brought us to this moment?

What about our thoughts, and days of laughter and inside jokes with friends; what about those plans we have laid in our unknown futures? Clues of where we’ve come from are written in genetic DNA. Couldn’t answers of our future be found there too? They’re somewhere muddled up and tangled in parts of all of we have become.

We have exchanged our power for fast food answers and back-seat spirituality. The American Dream brought to you by fast cars, loaded ammunition, student debt ambition, and qualified immunity.

If we have not individually fully fathomed our greatest personal potential, then we have not come into our true power as a human race.

What miracles we could accomplish if we lived out our personal visions daily? The paradigm would completely shift if everyone knew we could. “Teach one. Reach one,” like Letha said. Let’s decide to be miracles to each other. In doing so, we’ll all be forever changed.

Part 2


We are being held away from our own answers because we were taught to ask the wrong questions.

Everything about our world is set up to do other people’s work and live out other people’s value systems.

We look not to each other because our ties to community to the land to our own families to ourselves have been severed. Whether through war, enslavement, purposeful reconditioning of the human being during the conformity Assembly made mentality of the industrial era.

Who determines the rate at what things cost? The exchange of an ideas has been given value based on some else’s and generational assertion.

We are taught to live in constant states of disconnection to self. This in turn disconnects us from each other. To keep the cycle of oppression going- the oppressors need to create more oppressors.

Those who are oppressed must continue to believe and see that they are being oppressed. They must not be allowed to wield the magnificence in their minds.

The limitations are systematically manmade and reinforced through generational betrothal of a system to its populace whose members are scarcely aware of its motion.

We can break these limitations and the false scarcity with the sheer power of our spirit and the willingness to just be open.

The more of us who awaken will bring the future we want to come. These rumblings in our world are signs they are happening. The paths to freedom are only road blocked within our hearts and minds. I’m really starting to understand what that means.

Yes, There are other forces running the show, but Spirit cannot be held back by plastic, a racist police state, or even your manicured facade of existence.

The idea that there is more to your existence also dwells somewhere inside of you! Your true nature is worthy and good. You are wholly evident and valid based simply on the fact that you exist. You have a right to be on this planet. You have a right to be exactly who you are and want to be!!

“I am who I am.” The profundity of that message is that it was secretly an affirmation of our own worthiness all along.

We have each have callings birthed deep within our spirits. Some have developed along the way from childhood and youth, others which are unfolding along the way. Some dreams stretch out on lost canyons crossing chasms- scaling breakdowns and breakthroughs we don’t fully know we’ll cross.

But between Nature and time and forces we don’t understand, the gaps are filled in. The knowing comes as quickly as we are able to ascertain its delivery. The pieces of my own life are coming together into clearer view, because I allowed my purpose to manifest even though I don’t know what that’s all supposed to be yet.


There there must be a reason we don’t know what’s farther down the road. We don’t know where we came from, and where the hell are we all going? But it must be something about the wanderings in between the struggle and the turnpike.

Like Bob Dylan sang, “Feel like my soul is beginning to expand
Look into my heart and you will sort of understand.

You brought me here, now you’re trying to run me away

The writing’s on the wall, come read it, come see what it say.”

Sometimes our calling is pulled taut like a drum ready for our moment to come. In moments of abandon we become guided by the blind-faith clarity of our higher purpose. Sometimes a higher consciousness surges through us in the form of creative bursts and materializations; dancing like pagans, to the rhythm of unknown ancestors.

We are natural mystics.The knowledge lives within us. If leave room tiny illuminations will catch flame.

Thoughwe don’t have all the answers. We are not alone out here. We are asking the same questions together. We are as brothers and sisters clothed in forest and nurtured by streams.

For we are all linked and intertwined together Within the earth itself and across vast distances through civilizations, some which have never known or been seen by our post modern eyes, we are connected with the same lineage multiplied and refracted through the various ethnic and diverse communities in groups of human beings spread through six and sometimes seven continents.

With all of our great declarations of conquest andIndividual and generational achievements, we all go back to the earth or into dust.

And Somewhere on Earth the sun is always shining.

Mountains rise above us to reach into a deeper sky. Out there the stars are distant voyeurs witnessing infinity spreading anew.

Gushing in secrets and other eternities, perhaps the Universe is bringing us exactly what we need to grow. Our eyes are tiny voyagers catching truth in glimpses of what we’ve just begun to see & ideas we’ve yet to even conceive. ✨

The Long Ride Home pt. 1

In 2017 I told myself, “When I move to Portland, I’m going skiing after work.”

I moved here one year ago, and for the past 2 months I’ve been gratefully skiing on the Earth’s mirror, scarcely believing this is home now.

It was one of those dreams we all have like building a house, visiting some far-flung land, getting married, working a great job, wanting to be happy. Often the dreams we most want start from a small place of desire without resistance and without knowing how or if it’s all going to come together.

Initial desires seem far-fetched at first, but the mere possibility that a dream could actually come into being has spurred on almost every piece of music, and war, building of homes and skyscrapers, each knitting together of a family that has ever existed.

When you’re young you must depend on another to provide your needs and desires. What if there’s no one there you can trust or depend on to make this happen? What if you grew up without a suitable parent to trust? And those of us who did have that initial trust wish we grew up with a trust fund. As we get older all of the responsibilities lay on our shoulders.

Doubt in our ability to attain goals, and relationships, our states of being, begin at a young age because certain experiences ended in a bad way for us, or we watched it end badly for others, or were told of it in Bible stories and political propaganda.

Or because of dead-end jobs and life in dead-end states or series of failed dates and families have shown us that we don’t get what we want. That dreaming is wasteful. That it is easier to live that life you were born into and the chip on your shoulder you’ve been given. The kids and parents I work with often feel this way and they’re not wrong for feeling so. They’ve been betrayed by family members and country for generations.

When I moved here a year ago, my life had recently devolved into chaos and loss. A published book and traveling adventures came at a huge cost. Mental health issues that had been wading in darkness were finally brought forth into light. That glaring light shone upon the frayed sutures holding my life together. I discovered they weren’t there at all.

Relationships fell apart at seams that seemed unbreakable. Upon reflection I was trying to keep together a life that had not been fulfilling with some relationships where I was pouring into others without much in return. It felt like I was pouring myself into others whose wells were bottomless and insatiable. The water ran dry within myself until there was nothing left to give and finally snapped.

I came up here not knowing what was going to happen or if I was actually going to make it. “What if none of this works out?” I asked myself. I could not handle another devastating blow in any sense of the word.

There was literally nothing physically left in my physical possession save my car and everything I had taken on my cross-country road trip and to Mexico. The plans made and money saved to make a smooth transition from Texas to Portland were unintentionally torn asunder by my own two hands and addled mind.

The first 2 months of 2019, were spent in Texas taking stock of what was left and what had ended. Most of what was still true of my life actually remained. Family and friends still loved me. I still loved to hike and be amongst open-minded kind people.

With the proper diagnoses you can then utilize the tools which can help you live a vibrant and authentic life. Medication, therapy, being enveloped with nature, starting almost completely from scratch were some of the tools in my new wheelhouse.

The West had been calling me forward for a long time. Years before the recent schism. So I asked myself, “What if moving to Portland actually does work out?” Some callings are greater than our circumstances.

Slowly, the same two hands and a properly medicated mind created the life I now find myself living. Everything brought me to Now, and I am happy. What good is it to curse the former difficulties?

I strive to make decisions for the highest good, maintaining boundaries I had so easily let be taken of advantage of in the past, pouring into others while keeping enough in my own well. Positive friendships and relationships have blossomed and have begun to flourish. And as is the way of life New challenges are always on our horizons. Sometimes the horizon itself has literally shifted due to where we find ourselves geographically in the world.

PNW winters challenge the hardiest of souls. To go weeks with cold rain and without sunlight cause many of to withdraw inward. The respite was welcoming at first. But as the perpetual gloom lingered I went into nature less and less. Being in nature was part of my healing process and I stopped going outdoors because of the wet and weary weather. Then I went skiing for one of my roommate’s birthdays and remembered how much I loved this winter activity.

At the end of January, I took new stock of my situation and realized “this life up here is working out and I like it.” When you have recovered from difficult periods you begin really appreciating the reasons that make you live. The shift happens when you begin to seek them out.

So I bought my first ski season pass, skis and gear, and it’s unexpectedly changed parts of my life. Skiing has become a passion and one I often do on my own. Learning new skills help to imbue oneself with confidence that translates into other areas.

I’ll be speeding 40 mph down a black in exhilaration and wondering how the hell I didn’t crash.

Then I tell myself, “I’ve done this before, I know how to ski on piste, and how to talk to this client, and I know how to get out of bed and out of debt. I’ve done each many times before.” And I get out of my own way.

There are times I do bite it, are not as scary as the first time and it happened and now I know how to more easily correct myself when shredding powder or craving on ice.

Skiing is a fluid conversation with the mountain. It’s a mind-body, seasonal and multi-elemental connection. Finding ourselves upon mountains, to ski upon them, is honors the mountain within.

There is nothing more alive than when you feel the thrill of living. It’s as close to flying as we can come. The closest to breaking the bonds of Earth- of our frailties and also of our courage.

Fast Slow Disco part 2

Through the healing process you begin to breathe. You accept the fact that some things in your life will never change. You cannot take back what happened especially things that never should have occurred and heartbreaks never meant to be inflicted.

But you move forward with gratitude for the beauty and people planted in your life. The light you allow in begins to overflow to all and everyone who surrounds you.

Still your life doesn’t feel real in some ways. The one who came before you feels like a foreigner. You fear the other shoe is going to dropkick you. You become hesitant to trust others, to trust life- even though you know that it’s always worked out in the past. Life’s inherent nature lies in its ability to cycle. #bikelife 😆

I’ve gotten through the hardest parts of this past year by pretending it wasn’t me living through states of disgrace.

I’ve been partially ready to run my whole life. But now I fucking get why foster kids I work with do exactly that. Because what if this person does love you and this part of your life works out only for it to all go away again?

Everything exists within a state of constant flux and flexible stability. Change and not getting lost in the change is part of the process. Being rooted in oneself makes room for whatever else is coming next. Be it life, puberty, rock ‘n roll, or death.

It seems some people have had perfect lives and don’t understand what it’s like to lose, be awkward, to be dealing w/ secret burdens and shame.

Stability can appear easier for people who have the means to root themselves- mentally, physically, interpersonally, financially.

The Steadfast Souls, the most genuine people are often the ones who have wrestled and laid down with their conquered demons. How can anything shake you when you’ve been torn asunder and brought to a better life again?

It’s not our job to sort out the perceived versions of other people for none of us really even know our own selves fully. We can’t rail against or compare our lives to those who seem like some they have figured it out from day one. Because comparisons only foster resentment to ourselves and those we are judging. 

The real version of ourselves is whoever continually shows up. And it sucks when the person you’re being is far from who you know you have been who you want to be. All one can do is take it day by day and offer grace instead of self-condemnation and bad self talk because your present reality is all you got.

I don’t know what it’s like to wake up next to same person every day and have children but I’m starting to like myself when I wake up. You are not being selfish by not settling.

Sometimes you go on journeys where there is literally not one other person who could have traveled that path home but yourself and by yourself. Trust me, it won’t be like that forever.

When you experience a lot of life-changing things it takes a while for it to settle down, to feel real. It feels like everything is just going to drop again. You kind of get used to living in chaos. When things settle down it’s almost like you become accustomed to difficult situations.

As a social worker, I’ve been trained to sit with someone else’s trauma while they’re in it. I know how trauma affects you more so than ever because I’m still wading through my own. In some ways I feel totally free and authentic, yet I have also become a stranger to myself.

Is that part of the change? Is it normal to always feel in flux? Don’t people eventually settle down? Will that ever happen for me one day?

Closing yourself to love is like closing the windows of a room on a vibrant spring day like quelling wind from the mountain side. Stealing life and draining it away until you become hollow; a carbon copy of the human you used to be.

At times I do wonder if this move was worth it all. Yet I would have also betrayed myself for not following the call which changed my life.

Above all the wandering soul cannot betray their call to adventure for long. The wild hope of wanderlust always beats beneath our flesh carried by metal wings slicing the sky (our hearts) open.

The Great Soul Kitchen

This year of chosen solitude has been a solace- a beautiful clearing in the wake of abandoning attachments. To walk in mountains is to walk in part of your soul. Returning to your breath is a returning to your life in this present moment. Everything else is an adornment distracting us from the real essence of life.

Time spent in Nature brings you into connection with Earth which helps you connect with your own self. You realize all creatures, plants, humanity are having a tangible experience with and on a living planet. You begin finding life can be lived in harmony even if weekend wanderings are few and the work week, the day to day drudgery, the bills are coming to kick your ass. You start bringing mindfulness into your every day life.

Nature is the Great Soul Kitchen where I have become more unconditional, steadfast, trusting in my approach to life than ever before.

You realize this moment is not locking you down, nothing is holding you captive. You hold no one accountable for your emotions. You stop looking for others for validation. You stop needing to be all things for a given period of time. You become content to be here now, be present, to see how things go without attaching immediate judgment to our fleeting thoughts. That’s how life is supposed to be.

Cubicle walls may contain you from 9-5, but a backpacker’s soul, like Nature, is eternal.

To sit alone with Nature is also to sit with your own self. You eventually come to find a deeper love and acceptance for yourself. you see the beauty in the craggy lone wolf places in your heart. You become broken down to love or else your screwed into hanging out 24-7 with someone you don’t even like or want to be around.

You learn to become your own best friend and it’s this surreal process of being muddled and molded in big secret gulps.

Nature offers one the vantage point of interacting purely with your environment. Being part of the land makes one feel in touch with all of life. Scientifically speaking we are biologically hardwired to live in union with our Earth.

Nature isn’t the escape. The escape was moving to the cities and deciding to erect stone walls. The disconnect from nature is what also stonewalled the collective human heart. Returning to Earth melts the Western illusion of segmented life experiences. It’s a return to the heart of all creation.

I’ve begun hiking trails with the intent to love everyone in my heart as they walk by. Sometimes this translate with me saying hello and a smile.

Even if there’s no reply I felt lighter in my heart just giving love without the expectation of return. I realized how quickly we start to seek others to fill that void and become mad at others when they don’t close the a gap we find within ourselves.

I found to be thankful for whatever is in the present moment is the secret to becoming unconditional which in itself is the ability to love freely and without needing the conditions to change to feel love. It is the holding each other responsible for how we feel how they made us feel how they’re supposed to make us feel that we become resentful and can no longer tolerate the people who meant the most to us.

A life of attachment to people, possessions, money, and conditions will be a life of constant lack, reaction, non-fulfillment, and blaming others for our unhappiness.

I still don’t always greet everyone with love in my heart. At times I forget as this rambling mind would would begin to think about other things and kind of tune other people out. But Nature is the great soul kitchen place for solitude for contemplation for peace. It also brings out the best in each other. Hiking outdoors is one place where we meet each other no matter our class or cast for the most part when you see her you’re on the same level ground.

You begin treating others better as you intentionally take time to connect to this alive, beautiful, sprawling Earth. Hiking and being in nature feels more than an addiction it has become a way of life. Nature can be volatile, unpredictable, dangerous but those fears lessen as you discover each one of us is part of this grand creation.

This great separateness is a societal illusion which will continue to be perpetuated until humanity collectively reconciles the Otherness within our own selves.

Can you love all sides of yourself? Without judging your faults without conditions to make loving yourself easier? If the answer to that question is not yes- you’re not going to find love from another person to fill the places you can’t even love.

Humanity will collectively find peace only when we stop looking outwards for people to change. Self acceptance brings inner-peace which is reflected outwards. Choosing to love when it’s not warranted elevates consciousness which changes your life and affects all those you touch.

It’s an ongoing process we must be consciously aware of but not attached to. it’s easy to get caught up in the flight of thoughts and day to day circumstances that need our immediate attention. Coming back to the breath to the now several times a day will begin to open you to allowing yourself to see the bigger picture the greater whole. This state of grace allows us to live our true potential and serve as reminders when we feel like failures and have hurt one’s we love. As important it is to extend an olive branch to others how much more we must first extend unconditional love to ourselves.