Brighter Diamonds on Haight-Ashbury

We block our light because we don’t believe in our own brilliance. We are more than cobwebbed echoes floating through eternal space. We are brighter diamonds, sparkling in the deep night sky. ✨✨

I moved to San Francisco 3 weeks ago and am filled with gratitude. The way that took me here has been winding, filled with adventure, and absolute heartache. But I’ve come to realize that we are the ones holding ourselves back from our horizons.

11/16/2021 Haight-Ashbury, San Francisco.

We block our light because we don’t believe in our own brilliance. We are more than cobwebbed echoes floating through eternal space. We are brighter diamonds, sparkling in the deep night sky. ✨✨

Love on Haight, San Francisco

We are vast beings beyond our physical bodies and minds. We are consciousness born anew every day. It’s startling to witness & difficult to understand. True being can only be lived wild and unfettered- out beyond our finite comprehension.

Freedom feels dangerous because we’ve been conditioned to fear the strength of our own dreams. The ways to awakening are before us at every moment.

In each attempt to create the best version of yourself you actually become that person. Through every act of conscious co-creation we bring Earth into greater expansion.

For we too will one day be buried, and all of this will have become so beautiful.

In that final moment what will your last thought be?

Perhaps we are here simply to guide each other along the conversation of life. Pieces and people come together when you are ready for them to be put into place. Inspiration arises organically when you surrender to your dreams. Walking every arduous step led you to now. 🔥

All of us is everything and everything is us. Separation is an illusion. Nothing is greater than being the love that changed you. Everything which came before was preparing the way to your calling. Become your full potential. That is how the light gets in. Go to where your destiny is taking you. That is how you change the world. 🖤🌈🌏❤️✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽✊🏼✊🏻🥰🙏✨

There is No Dark Future! 1

3 year bloggerversary! “There is No Dark Future!” We are brighter than ever! It’s kismet to be back in Colorado as several writing projects are rapidly spinning into fruition. Here again the journey wraps itself into ever-expanding circles of eccentric concentricity.

You see 4 years ago I heard a calling from my Higher self. Spirit bade me forward to my future. I listened. I followed it. I unexpectedly began writing the first chapter of “Break the Violent Fetters” while journaling in a Rocky Mountain stream.

I learned that the breakdowns were part of the break through. There were incredibly tough lessons and rich zeniths experienced since that time. And now I can say that I am better than I have ever been!

Nymph Lake, Rocky Mountain National Park

Focus on where your expansion will take you. Never worry about the bends. We are one spirit sparkling in momentary bodies of stars, rivers, & friends.

I offer this poem for all seekers of hope and enlightenment. I can’t wait to share more of this wormhole summer wisdom with you!

East of Tibet, Boulder, Colorado

There is no Dark Future!

The Light has long since outshined!

For I have been made witness

to things we call “divine.”

UFO inside of Lenticular cloud, August 2021

My spirit was briefly spat out

beyond these earthly confines.

Past lives came back

to sing me the signs.

Tarot reading in Rino Arts, Denver, Colorado

“Free your vibration. 

Let your Free-quencies climb.

Ascend the stardust ladders

past your temporary minds. 

You exist beyond

the bounds mortality defines.”

Rocky Mountain National Park, August 2021

Life’s veiled secrets are spillin’

out for all whom wish to find.

Pour the grapes of truth

from the ageless fount of wines.

We are not lone beings

strung on a planetary vine.

And on my soul’s sabbatical

I didn’t expect to find.

“Unconditional love must be radical.”

Beyond things like space and time.

Words are keys to portals

We are the eternal Rhyme.

Dara and I at Rino Arts District Denver

Violet and I at Rocky Mountain National Park!

I am excited to continue sharing of knowledge, unlocking of mysteries and the writing I’ve been working on during this summer! Trust that while on your dark or wayward paths- you are brought one step closer to your brighter futures.

Violet and Dara

Lana at Santa Fe Arts District Denver

Emily at Rino Art District, Denver, Colorado

Lana, Violet, Dara, & me in Denver Art District

Rino Arts District, Denver

Boulder, Colorado

Quantum Leap

Just go for it! Jump at those chances. Listen to your calling. Follow your impulses. Move to that city. Climb that mountain. Say “yes” to things you want more often.

Do what your secret heart has been waiting to do. Make that quantum leap towards your full potential. Release your doubts into the sky. This is your time to set yourself free!

You are worthy of living the life you want to lead.

Draw upon your inner resources for you are more than capable to achieve your goals.

You are experiencing life in a myriad of circumstances & environments of which no other being has brought forth until now.

Even when all goes dim and you are at your breaking- look at the challenge as an opportunity for change, as growth, and personal revelation.

Walk with the knowing that you are on your path.

You are always being guided by your highest self to your next step.

Often we hold ourselves back from accomplishing our dreams.

Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you clinging to the habits, relationships, jobs, religions, expectations that do not promote your highest good.

Break the patterns which no longer serve you.

Fall into the trust that the Universe has your back.

Surrender to what you cannot control.

Ask for guidance about the things you cannot change on your own.

Allow the greater part of you to come through in every situation.

This is where you take your power back.

We live several lifetimes within our lifetimes. We are the only constant in our constellation of creation.

Each day, each new city, each career change, each relationship brings us farther ahead in our journeys.

No one else knows the purposes which you are meant for.

Your passions are within you for great reasons. 

You need no one else’s approval to be who you know and want yourself to be. 

We are born to diverse callings.

We will each answer in different ways.

We are fractals exposing and replicating a unique pattern of existence.

We are the culmination of generational multitudes.

You are living out the dreams of your forebears just by being alive.

It’s time you start living your own.

Look at each person and experience through eyes of unconditional love. 

Shift your mindset to one that allows you to be who you really are.

Give grace unto yourself.

Believe in your beauty.

You are a success.

You are flowing with joy and freedom.

Let your radiance shine forth! Light will reflect from yourself unto another.

In living your truth you help bring the whole of creation into wider expansion!

People all over the world will awaken with us and without us.

Revolutions have always begun as flickering thoughts.

Visualize yourself as if you are already where you want to be. For within the mysteries of time we have already lived our futures.

May these simple words inspire you to action.

For the greatest journeys take us beyond anything we have lived before.

All of Life exists

to ready us

for the next leg

of our winged journeys,

and lead us into who we are all becoming.

Setting the Record Strait

I was sat in meditation upon a plateau full of rock labyrinths in the sacred heart of mysterious Mt. Shasta. Asking the Universe for answers, as always, and waiting for a sign that I was on my path. Knowing this time I was not the crafter of my life disaster. This time the fuck- up truly was not my fault.

Setting the Record Strait

It’s no small irony that April Fool’s marks both my 2nd year of life on the American West Coast; and the closing of my chapter in Portland & the job in social work I started two years ago, today.

It’s a fitting reminder that things aren’t quite what they seem at first. For a fool’s heart can lead you onto paths of great adventures, broad exhilarations, and deep despairs.

Tomorrow I leave for Mt. Shasta and a 2 week trip to California. I find myself being beckoned back to this legendary mountain. I’m reminded of the surreality of an experience that occurred there late last September, within riddles and stone labyrinths.

In the wake of the California wildfires, and amidst several personal and societal devastations, I received a message from something higher than myself. Thankful for reasons and second chances to fly.

The mountain itself was parched but unscathed from the flames which had vociefrously consumed so many of its neighboring forests. The scorching of the West seemed symbolic of the combustible state of America. George Floyd couldn’t breathe when he was murdered by police.

Many populations across the West breathing in masks and the worst air quality in the world. The tyrannies of systemic injustice and police brutality were punctuated by Covid, and continued collapsing of civil liberties and crises.

I was sat in meditation upon a plateau full of rock labyrinths in the sacred heart of mysterious Mt. Shasta. Asking the Universe for answers, as always, and waiting for a sign that I was on my path. Knowing this time I was not the crafter of my life disaster. This time the fuck- up truly was not my fault.

Like our embattled country, My heart had been healing from twin aftermaths: the events surrounding my first book. And more intensely the accompanying fallout from being drugged by gay white supremacists after a Black Lives Matter rally in June 2020. Yeah, I know how crazy it sounds.

I looked up from my perch and saw the answer in the form a dark long-haired woman walking 1000 feet away, along the horizon of Mount Shasta. Little did I realize pieces of my future would soon come clearer into view.

Perhaps we are briefly guided by signs from another realm. Maybe our trials double as secret Talisman readying us on the next leg of our journeys. And as I set out on a new one, it’s time to clarify my truth which has been misconstrued. It’s finally time to set the record strait.

We Are Natural Mystics

We Are Natural Mystics:

There are pockets on Earth that no human eye has seen. Great mysteries of life are hidden in riddles and rivers. Ancient secrets sag in the marrow of oil.

If we have not been able to catalog and observe all parts of our planet, then how do we bound in all of this together, know how it all works? The limits go as far as we are willing to wonder.

The brilliance of human ingenuity has taken us farther than those who came before us. There are still myriad of seas to ride, underground cave systems to navigate, rain forests to keep virgin, and so many sacred mountains to ascend.

There is so much data and raw information coming to us every day that we can barely scratch the surface to ever knowing anything. We do not truly fathom how really big our world is in relationship to other people and how closely are values align. If we were to stretch all 7.8 billion people in a line across the planet it would take countless years just to say hello to each one of them.

We limit ourselves to our realities based just upon what we can see within the scope of our influence.

We do not truly fathom how really big our world is in relationship to other people and how closely are values align. If we were to stretch all 7.8 billion people in a line across the planet it would take hundreds of years just to hello to each one of them.

There are vast deserts to traverse, people in Papau-New Guniea we’ll never see, species we haven’t even conceived of are out there living undiscovered. There are long spans of human history we cannot account for; and many records have been intentionally altered, transliterated, and destroyed.

“I think therefore I am,” Descartes once implored. But thought does not necessarily translate to knowing. We are electromagnetic beings of consciousness and flesh.

It is we who are the avatars. We keep being told not to peer at the one who pulls the strings. We are lulled into this broad illusion by the dullest of means.

What is it to know oneself when for generations we have been cloaked in the trappings of conquerors and colonialists? When do we know who we really are? At what age do we become the culmination of circumstance and events that have brought us to this moment?

What about our thoughts, and days of laughter and inside jokes with friends; what about those plans we have laid in our unknown futures? Clues of where we’ve come from are written in genetic DNA. Couldn’t answers of our future be found there too? They’re somewhere muddled up and tangled in parts of all of we have become.

We have exchanged our power for fast food answers and back-seat spirituality. The American Dream brought to you by fast cars, loaded ammunition, student debt ambition, and qualified immunity.

If we have not individually fully fathomed our greatest personal potential, then we have not come into our true power as a human race.

What miracles we could accomplish if we lived out our personal visions daily? The paradigm would completely shift if everyone knew we could. “Teach one. Reach one,” like Letha said. Let’s decide to be miracles to each other. In doing so, we’ll all be forever changed.

Part 2


We are being held away from our own answers because we were taught to ask the wrong questions.

Everything about our world is set up to do other people’s work and live out other people’s value systems.

We look not to each other because our ties to community to the land to our own families to ourselves have been severed. Whether through war, enslavement, purposeful reconditioning of the human being during the conformity Assembly made mentality of the industrial era.

Who determines the rate at what things cost? The exchange of an ideas has been given value based on some else’s and generational assertion.

We are taught to live in constant states of disconnection to self. This in turn disconnects us from each other. To keep the cycle of oppression going- the oppressors need to create more oppressors.

Those who are oppressed must continue to believe and see that they are being oppressed. They must not be allowed to wield the magnificence in their minds.

The limitations are systematically manmade and reinforced through generational betrothal of a system to its populace whose members are scarcely aware of its motion.

We can break these limitations and the false scarcity with the sheer power of our spirit and the willingness to just be open.

The more of us who awaken will bring the future we want to come. These rumblings in our world are signs they are happening. The paths to freedom are only road blocked within our hearts and minds. I’m really starting to understand what that means.

Yes, There are other forces running the show, but Spirit cannot be held back by plastic, a racist police state, or even your manicured facade of existence.

The idea that there is more to your existence also dwells somewhere inside of you! Your true nature is worthy and good. You are wholly evident and valid based simply on the fact that you exist. You have a right to be on this planet. You have a right to be exactly who you are and want to be!!

“I am who I am.” The profundity of that message is that it was secretly an affirmation of our own worthiness all along.

We have each have callings birthed deep within our spirits. Some have developed along the way from childhood and youth, others which are unfolding along the way. Some dreams stretch out on lost canyons crossing chasms- scaling breakdowns and breakthroughs we don’t fully know we’ll cross.

But between Nature and time and forces we don’t understand, the gaps are filled in. The knowing comes as quickly as we are able to ascertain its delivery. The pieces of my own life are coming together into clearer view, because I allowed my purpose to manifest even though I don’t know what that’s all supposed to be yet.


There there must be a reason we don’t know what’s farther down the road. We don’t know where we came from, and where the hell are we all going? But it must be something about the wanderings in between the struggle and the turnpike.

Like Bob Dylan sang, “Feel like my soul is beginning to expand
Look into my heart and you will sort of understand.

You brought me here, now you’re trying to run me away

The writing’s on the wall, come read it, come see what it say.”

Sometimes our calling is pulled taut like a drum ready for our moment to come. In moments of abandon we become guided by the blind-faith clarity of our higher purpose. Sometimes a higher consciousness surges through us in the form of creative bursts and materializations; dancing like pagans, to the rhythm of unknown ancestors.

We are natural mystics.The knowledge lives within us. If leave room tiny illuminations will catch flame.

Thoughwe don’t have all the answers. We are not alone out here. We are asking the same questions together. We are as brothers and sisters clothed in forest and nurtured by streams.

For we are all linked and intertwined together Within the earth itself and across vast distances through civilizations, some which have never known or been seen by our post modern eyes, we are connected with the same lineage multiplied and refracted through the various ethnic and diverse communities in groups of human beings spread through six and sometimes seven continents.

With all of our great declarations of conquest andIndividual and generational achievements, we all go back to the earth or into dust.

And Somewhere on Earth the sun is always shining.

Mountains rise above us to reach into a deeper sky. Out there the stars are distant voyeurs witnessing infinity spreading anew.

Gushing in secrets and other eternities, perhaps the Universe is bringing us exactly what we need to grow. Our eyes are tiny voyagers catching truth in glimpses of what we’ve just begun to see & ideas we’ve yet to even conceive. ✨

Rider of Waves (Part 2)

In the process of becoming unconditional, you become like water. In living your truth in resilient flexibility you will start setting yourself & others free.

Everything in the known existence shares pools from some part of the 118 elements. We all come from the same initial Source. We are fulfillments of the genetic promises brought forth from the union of the first primordial cells.

In the process of becoming unconditional, you become like water. When living your truth in resilient flexibility you will start setting yourself & others free.

Spiraling up doesn’t mean you aren’t going to have downs and breaks downs. It’s part of the progression to moving your life & dreams along the ineffable way. Sometimes your trials may be someone else’s blessings.

In the process of becoming unconditional- Bipolar disorder will no longer take my inner joy. I’m learning to accept & give love to and from others without strings attached. You don’t need a commitment to be in love with life at any moment. I am steadying my sea-legs by understanding what’s beneath the sea.

Perhaps that is our task- to become so free & unfettered those around your begin living their highest truth too.

Everything in known existence draws from only 118 elements. We all come the same initial Source/Big Bang. We are fulfillments of genetic promises brought forth from union of the first primordial cells.

In the process of becoming unconditional we see no separation between the natural world and that of the spirit- because they are bound together. Each brook a tributary paying homage to the rivers from whence they were poured from.

We get the choice to stay in the comfort of our squalid complacency, or arise to the dawn of new creations spread out before us. Like mountains piercing to the heavens.

Those who stay vehemently attached within their cultural milieus are living in the hierarchical rat-race constructed to live. Unless you awaken you are still just a by-product of Consumerism & religion of the country you happened to be born into.

Because in becoming unconditional- you acknowledge everything you can’t control and choose to love anyway. All of the frustrations you feel are valid. The vapid squalor society makes you feel like the one who’s fucked up.

For throughout time there have always been people who have been pushed behind, swept aside, cast out, forgotten, enslaved, ensnared, erased. Someone else’s struggles might be someone else’s blessings.

We are taught self-care and acceptance, coming together as diverse communities, inclusion and equity aren’t as important than the goals of a dominant culture built upon intimidation and mass production.

Perhaps some of our ancestors would see we have collectively made some progress forwards and together. Banded, abandoned, Hearts barbed and tender, brought back in circles six wide feet apart.

In becoming unconditional you become unafraid to speak the truth even if no one else will read it. In becoming unconditional you are becoming stronger and more self-assured.

For each condition that breaks us, for each limitation that blocks our path to becoming, in each moment of valid frustration there is a new pathway opening- a new door being opened, another path to be unlocked, unsheathed, and unshielded from ourselves.

We are water in waves looped forward, gushed upwards, and crashed onto the back of cliffs planted in seas. All must swing through that mortal coil and out we must also go.

In becoming unconditional life and death are equals. Mania and depression are 2 coins in the same brain. The pendulum never hits both sides at once. We will be here and we will be gone.

On that day,

each one will say,

“I am

become elsewhere.”

And lovingly fade back

into all of Creation.

Thunder on the Mountain 2

Every Mountain calls you home in different ways. St. Helen’s is a mountain of contemplation & rebirth. The felled forests enables one to see out in vast distances. The ghostly backdrop enables one to project your thoughts and hopes onto. Engulfed in barren rugged crust of Earth.

In fact the desolation of Mt. St. Helen’s makes it among the most human of mountains on Earth.

Does Nature forgive the Earth for causing destruction to itself? Does Earth require some karmic debt to repay its own soul? What penance can one offer for the cycle between life and rebirth? In nature they are one in the same.

It made me wonder what one would do if stranded on an alien world.

Would we not be so grateful so thankful to see a whisper of life of something reminiscent of home?

Wouldn’t you gasp from the side of your mouth just to marvel at some thing real? A bed of lichen would be a forest. To see a moth flying like small prayers.

It’s because of abundance that we are even able hurt each other & plunder the planet. Even during its explosion the mountain & its forests were living. We live through our own circles of destruction.We are part of the greater whole.

So as Earth forgives itself through homeostasis: parched in some places, flooding, engulfed by fire others- humans have a very real part in healing or destroying the planet we live on- in thought, deed, and action.

Yet existence on Earth is so fragile. We take it for granted. We turn the inner world outside & vice verse. Humanity will come to peace when we each have come to inner peace w/ ourselves.

Perhaps personal catastrophes aren’t as cataclysmic in scope although they often feel like that in the middle of it all. St. Helens is an offering of contemplation & infinite redemption.


A warning tongue to be the guard of your emotions. To remember that life will come again but there our consequences to regrowing. There are scars and places within you which may never be the same but life returns.

The infinite spiral. You’re coming you’re going you go back round again on another rung of the circle. Some part of you will lives on. We’ve all affected our world by the people who are in it.

We are the closest beacon of lights but we often to look the night sky or artifice to fill the very place we should for each other. We are too worthy of so much more than we accept and give to one another.

But for those who take notice and take charge of their minds, emotions, and desires- your life can become a veritable heaven on Earth- even if in your own mind- because that’s where everything had to begin.

Let us take inspiration from nature. Let us become like the Earth’s friction and raze the skyscrape bureaucracies we created and build something better for us all.

The Long Ride Home pt. 1

In 2017 I told myself, “When I move to Portland, I’m going skiing after work.”

I moved here one year ago, and for the past 2 months I’ve been gratefully skiing on the Earth’s mirror, scarcely believing this is home now.

It was one of those dreams we all have like building a house, visiting some far-flung land, getting married, working a great job, wanting to be happy. Often the dreams we most want start from a small place of desire without resistance and without knowing how or if it’s all going to come together.

Initial desires seem far-fetched at first, but the mere possibility that a dream could actually come into being has spurred on almost every piece of music, and war, building of homes and skyscrapers, each knitting together of a family that has ever existed.

When you’re young you must depend on another to provide your needs and desires. What if there’s no one there you can trust or depend on to make this happen? What if you grew up without a suitable parent to trust? And those of us who did have that initial trust wish we grew up with a trust fund. As we get older all of the responsibilities lay on our shoulders.

Doubt in our ability to attain goals, and relationships, our states of being, begin at a young age because certain experiences ended in a bad way for us, or we watched it end badly for others, or were told of it in Bible stories and political propaganda.

Or because of dead-end jobs and life in dead-end states or series of failed dates and families have shown us that we don’t get what we want. That dreaming is wasteful. That it is easier to live that life you were born into and the chip on your shoulder you’ve been given. The kids and parents I work with often feel this way and they’re not wrong for feeling so. They’ve been betrayed by family members and country for generations.

When I moved here a year ago, my life had recently devolved into chaos and loss. A published book and traveling adventures came at a huge cost. Mental health issues that had been wading in darkness were finally brought forth into light. That glaring light shone upon the frayed sutures holding my life together. I discovered they weren’t there at all.

Relationships fell apart at seams that seemed unbreakable. Upon reflection I was trying to keep together a life that had not been fulfilling with some relationships where I was pouring into others without much in return. It felt like I was pouring myself into others whose wells were bottomless and insatiable. The water ran dry within myself until there was nothing left to give and finally snapped.

I came up here not knowing what was going to happen or if I was actually going to make it. “What if none of this works out?” I asked myself. I could not handle another devastating blow in any sense of the word.

There was literally nothing physically left in my physical possession save my car and everything I had taken on my cross-country road trip and to Mexico. The plans made and money saved to make a smooth transition from Texas to Portland were unintentionally torn asunder by my own two hands and addled mind.

The first 2 months of 2019, were spent in Texas taking stock of what was left and what had ended. Most of what was still true of my life actually remained. Family and friends still loved me. I still loved to hike and be amongst open-minded kind people.

With the proper diagnoses you can then utilize the tools which can help you live a vibrant and authentic life. Medication, therapy, being enveloped with nature, starting almost completely from scratch were some of the tools in my new wheelhouse.

The West had been calling me forward for a long time. Years before the recent schism. So I asked myself, “What if moving to Portland actually does work out?” Some callings are greater than our circumstances.

Slowly, the same two hands and a properly medicated mind created the life I now find myself living. Everything brought me to Now, and I am happy. What good is it to curse the former difficulties?

I strive to make decisions for the highest good, maintaining boundaries I had so easily let be taken of advantage of in the past, pouring into others while keeping enough in my own well. Positive friendships and relationships have blossomed and have begun to flourish. And as is the way of life New challenges are always on our horizons. Sometimes the horizon itself has literally shifted due to where we find ourselves geographically in the world.

PNW winters challenge the hardiest of souls. To go weeks with cold rain and without sunlight cause many of to withdraw inward. The respite was welcoming at first. But as the perpetual gloom lingered I went into nature less and less. Being in nature was part of my healing process and I stopped going outdoors because of the wet and weary weather. Then I went skiing for one of my roommate’s birthdays and remembered how much I loved this winter activity.

At the end of January, I took new stock of my situation and realized “this life up here is working out and I like it.” When you have recovered from difficult periods you begin really appreciating the reasons that make you live. The shift happens when you begin to seek them out.

So I bought my first ski season pass, skis and gear, and it’s unexpectedly changed parts of my life. Skiing has become a passion and one I often do on my own. Learning new skills help to imbue oneself with confidence that translates into other areas.

I’ll be speeding 40 mph down a black in exhilaration and wondering how the hell I didn’t crash.

Then I tell myself, “I’ve done this before, I know how to ski on piste, and how to talk to this client, and I know how to get out of bed and out of debt. I’ve done each many times before.” And I get out of my own way.

There are times I do bite it, are not as scary as the first time and it happened and now I know how to more easily correct myself when shredding powder or craving on ice.

Skiing is a fluid conversation with the mountain. It’s a mind-body, seasonal and multi-elemental connection. Finding ourselves upon mountains, to ski upon them, is honors the mountain within.

There is nothing more alive than when you feel the thrill of living. It’s as close to flying as we can come. The closest to breaking the bonds of Earth- of our frailties and also of our courage.

Fast Slow Disco part 2

Through the healing process you begin to breathe. You accept the fact that some things in your life will never change. You cannot take back what happened especially things that never should have occurred and heartbreaks never meant to be inflicted.

But you move forward with gratitude for the beauty and people planted in your life. The light you allow in begins to overflow to all and everyone who surrounds you.

Still your life doesn’t feel real in some ways. The one who came before you feels like a foreigner. You fear the other shoe is going to dropkick you. You become hesitant to trust others, to trust life- even though you know that it’s always worked out in the past. Life’s inherent nature lies in its ability to cycle. #bikelife 😆

I’ve gotten through the hardest parts of this past year by pretending it wasn’t me living through states of disgrace.

I’ve been partially ready to run my whole life. But now I fucking get why foster kids I work with do exactly that. Because what if this person does love you and this part of your life works out only for it to all go away again?

Everything exists within a state of constant flux and flexible stability. Change and not getting lost in the change is part of the process. Being rooted in oneself makes room for whatever else is coming next. Be it life, puberty, rock ‘n roll, or death.

It seems some people have had perfect lives and don’t understand what it’s like to lose, be awkward, to be dealing w/ secret burdens and shame.

Stability can appear easier for people who have the means to root themselves- mentally, physically, interpersonally, financially.

The Steadfast Souls, the most genuine people are often the ones who have wrestled and laid down with their conquered demons. How can anything shake you when you’ve been torn asunder and brought to a better life again?

It’s not our job to sort out the perceived versions of other people for none of us really even know our own selves fully. We can’t rail against or compare our lives to those who seem like some they have figured it out from day one. Because comparisons only foster resentment to ourselves and those we are judging. 

The real version of ourselves is whoever continually shows up. And it sucks when the person you’re being is far from who you know you have been who you want to be. All one can do is take it day by day and offer grace instead of self-condemnation and bad self talk because your present reality is all you got.

I don’t know what it’s like to wake up next to same person every day and have children but I’m starting to like myself when I wake up. You are not being selfish by not settling.

Sometimes you go on journeys where there is literally not one other person who could have traveled that path home but yourself and by yourself. Trust me, it won’t be like that forever.

When you experience a lot of life-changing things it takes a while for it to settle down, to feel real. It feels like everything is just going to drop again. You kind of get used to living in chaos. When things settle down it’s almost like you become accustomed to difficult situations.

As a social worker, I’ve been trained to sit with someone else’s trauma while they’re in it. I know how trauma affects you more so than ever because I’m still wading through my own. In some ways I feel totally free and authentic, yet I have also become a stranger to myself.

Is that part of the change? Is it normal to always feel in flux? Don’t people eventually settle down? Will that ever happen for me one day?

Closing yourself to love is like closing the windows of a room on a vibrant spring day like quelling wind from the mountain side. Stealing life and draining it away until you become hollow; a carbon copy of the human you used to be.

At times I do wonder if this move was worth it all. Yet I would have also betrayed myself for not following the call which changed my life.

Above all the wandering soul cannot betray their call to adventure for long. The wild hope of wanderlust always beats beneath our flesh carried by metal wings slicing the sky (our hearts) open.