Through the healing process you begin to breathe. You accept the fact that some things in your life will never change. You cannot take back what happened especially things that never should have occurred and heartbreaks never meant to be inflicted.
But you move forward with gratitude for the beauty and people planted in your life. The light you allow in begins to overflow to all and everyone who surrounds you.
Still your life doesn’t feel real in some ways. The one who came before you feels like a foreigner. You fear the other shoe is going to dropkick you. You become hesitant to trust others, to trust life- even though you know that it’s always worked out in the past. Life’s inherent nature lies in its ability to cycle. #bikelife 😆
I’ve gotten through the hardest parts of this past year by pretending it wasn’t me living through states of disgrace.
I’ve been partially ready to run my whole life. But now I fucking get why foster kids I work with do exactly that. Because what if this person does love you and this part of your life works out only for it to all go away again?
Everything exists within a state of constant flux and flexible stability. Change and not getting lost in the change is part of the process. Being rooted in oneself makes room for whatever else is coming next. Be it life, puberty, rock ‘n roll, or death.
It seems some people have had perfect lives and don’t understand what it’s like to lose, be awkward, to be dealing w/ secret burdens and shame.
Stability can appear easier for people who have the means to root themselves- mentally, physically, interpersonally, financially.
The Steadfast Souls, the most genuine people are often the ones who have wrestled and laid down with their conquered demons. How can anything shake you when you’ve been torn asunder and brought to a better life again?
It’s not our job to sort out the perceived versions of other people for none of us really even know our own selves fully. We can’t rail against or compare our lives to those who seem like some they have figured it out from day one. Because comparisons only foster resentment to ourselves and those we are judging.
The real version of ourselves is whoever continually shows up. And it sucks when the person you’re being is far from who you know you have been who you want to be. All one can do is take it day by day and offer grace instead of self-condemnation and bad self talk because your present reality is all you got.
I don’t know what it’s like to wake up next to same person every day and have children but I’m starting to like myself when I wake up. You are not being selfish by not settling.
Sometimes you go on journeys where there is literally not one other person who could have traveled that path home but yourself and by yourself. Trust me, it won’t be like that forever.
When you experience a lot of life-changing things it takes a while for it to settle down, to feel real. It feels like everything is just going to drop again. You kind of get used to living in chaos. When things settle down it’s almost like you become accustomed to difficult situations.
As a social worker, I’ve been trained to sit with someone else’s trauma while they’re in it. I know how trauma affects you more so than ever because I’m still wading through my own. In some ways I feel totally free and authentic, yet I have also become a stranger to myself.
Is that part of the change? Is it normal to always feel in flux? Don’t people eventually settle down? Will that ever happen for me one day?
Closing yourself to love is like closing the windows of a room on a vibrant spring day like quelling wind from the mountain side. Stealing life and draining it away until you become hollow; a carbon copy of the human you used to be.
At times I do wonder if this move was worth it all. Yet I would have also betrayed myself for not following the call which changed my life.