Traveling may as well be a time warp because Mexico feels a world away from 8 days ago. I finally see the full picture- all the pieces and posts which have concluded to now. The past 7 marvelous confounding months were influenced by the last couple of intense weeks, and soul-searching couple of months in Texas. An epicene road trip through the American west was underscored by a silent rage tapped for the first time in my life. A legitimate frustration always brewing under the surface of this choppy swoop and clairvoyant waters.
In the throes of writing the most difficult chapters of my book- I coincidentally uprooted my life, quit my job, cashed out my savings, and went off my medications because I no longer had insurance.
I didn’t realize that I was acting manic, that my body and mind were going through withdrawals from AD/HD and recently prescribed anti-anxiety medication until a breakdown at Mount St. Helens, Oregon.
If there’s any place to have a mental meltdown, America’s most recently active volcano was a touch too on this Jewish nose to have it. 😆💆🏻♂️
Just like that 1980 eruption, a swirling configuration of factors led to this unintentional unraveling. Secondary trauma associated from aspects of my career in social work, and the loss of my dog, some of my closer friends, the death of two friends in 2018, the political nightmare of America, and a flurry of immediate attention days after publishing the first chapters of a personal narrative, added their respective weights that broke me.
I felt this message that had been written in my heart for 20 years and onto paper for ten was bursting forth- finally ready to be shared. It seemed that people wanted to hear it. I was expounding upon a greater phenomenon (coming out) that people some probably feel is cliche at this point.
I was floored by the response and cried tears of gratitude and disbelief for three days. It came literally out of nowhere, and I don’t even know where or how it happened and I was not expecting to receive any of that.
It also served as validation from the unsupportive members of my inner circle who were probably upset with me leaving and felt that I was getting a big head- maybe I did for a little bit- and really for the first time in my life.
Perhaps they felt the spotlight was stolen or shined a mirror to their own insecure ambitions or some combination of a lot of things and relationships that had run their course.
More anything it felt like confirmation that I was on my path. That I am on my path, although the direction isn’t as defined as I had intended.
Like so many in my generation I was also mad at America. So proud of my friends and generation for voting for protesting for standing up for Universal rights. For waking up. So disappointed and frustrated at the older generations’ selfish and fear-based hoarding of resources, empathy, and compassion.
Angry at people groups and social classes who have had relatively, collectively easy lives AND STILL lacked compassion, grace for their fellow human beings while toting a Bible and Rifle in each hand.
That anger is justified, but I’ve realized responding with rancor brings no good to any of us.
The tipping point of it all was my family’s continual descent and voting into Republican madness. My response was in response to being the lone wolf in a pack I resented being part of.
I screamed “Fucking cunt of America” to the mountain walls of Mt. St, Helens. “Fuck you all, fuck you god, my parents, fuck everyone who doesn’t give a shit about others,” along with a lot of other tirades that literally reverberated and echoed through the valleys.
If there was anyone else out there that night they made no sign of it. Still, as always, Nature offered no judgment or condemnation. Earth is unconditional- casting rain and sun on us all.
First rule in nature- best not cross the path of a beast in the midst of a tempest. And there was just so much bullshit in the American china shop.
I woke up in the morning realized I had drank almost an entire bottle of gin and flooded social media with a bunch of screenshots of telling my dad off and ending a relationship with yet another one of my former best friends.
That was the 6th week off of Adderall.
The Crushing depression, the guilt, the forlornness I felt seemed so strange and sudden.
It was the perfect combination for the storm that led to Hurricane Khatena re-emerging years after having been downgraded to a tropical storm.
But “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”- MLK
My purpose is to be an agent of love. Anger has been sent out to sea.
I set a goal to have this published by the end of 2018 and as that personal deadline loomed closer I jumped the gun and self-published. In the process I lost focus and sight of the life I was building for myself. By then it was too late to leave Mexico- affordably.
Plane tickets were $500 and living expenses were relatively cheap in Mexico so it made more sense to stay there.
Like so many of us I was also so fucking mad at America and in no hurry to return home.
Now here I am gone from full to concentric circles. Loops around mountains and lassoes. This time I am finally ready for the last dismount. 🙏