When the Levee Breaks

I have been writing a lot but haven’t posted in a while for many reasons. Reception issues, living in the moment, fear of being so open- finally worked out the kinks of self-doubt enough to post this now. Truly hope this speaks to anyone who needs it and brings clarity to my family and friends who are watching and a part of my life and this amazing trip.

I was driving back to my campsite at Glacier National Park and I am arguing with Tertullian, Augustine, the Council of Fucking Nicea, and the other monastic sets that funneled and shaped Christian dogma and Western history, when I have this Eureka moment.

Everyone who fucked us over- in the past or in thought/action is already dead. They’re all dead. And I’m sobbing because I’m having arguments in my mind on the open road, with people who would’ve sentenced me to death, and- yet I’m the one who is alive.

The greatest revolution in life is to be unconditional love and grace to everyone and ourselves. I don’t know how else to express it except to try to live love and forgive myself and others when that doesn’t happen.

I feel it all. I am an empath through and through. My soul cries out through my being, the weight of my words is heavy because my heart is broken and open for everyone and the secret struggles we are all going through.

We are never as alone as we think we are.

I think what hurts what aches the most is that these ppl said they spoke for god. How could god allow those things to be said or perpetuated in his/her/their/its name? A libel suit brought Oliver Wilde to his knees because he had been giving head on his knees to begin with. He died destitute in Paris with cerebral syphilis. He thought he died a failure.

Oscar Wilde was sentenced to death by society who outlawed homosexuals, people of different ethnic groups, women, immigrants.

You can try to outlaw differentess. That doesn’t stop the different ones from coming into this world.

Most of us are too good for this world and don’t even know it.

An inexorable ache that is cloven onto me

A cancer desecrating

my innermost joy.

Collective grief suddenly rushes and poured inside my heart

It was there that I bled my tears to god and wiped my eyes on white hem.

My tears, lament wash away nothing

Protect no one

Expose me

I lay prone and vulnerable

A young buck

But that is where you’re wrong.


Your life had bade you forward

stuck and complacent

You were unhinged, root-plucked

Because you would not go

And you are in service to an ideal

To a way of living

To extending out your inner light

reviving your true self

Out of the mountains and ash

Many rivers flow into the same sea.

Some come by fire, some by sea, covered in smoke and ash, and some come not at all.

It just so happens that your tears brought you to love.

As I have traveled through America, I see the great beauty and awe of this country. I’ve also really seen how arbitrary a lot of laws or social conventions are.

America, all countries, all religions- your arbitrary laws, social conventions, etc. have become meaningless to me. They are paper words wrapped in christian fiction, pomp, and exaggerated certainty. You’ve outlawed things like love and human rights for centuries.

I will never pay another traffic ticket. I refuse your outdated modalities. Marijuana is illegal because someone said so with a racist and anti-Mexican agenda in 1937 America. And we have been served propaganda about this plant ever since.

I am not afraid of anyone or anything anymore. Except getting sick, dying alone, and Sallie Mae student loans. But even those things aren’t for certain.

Honestly though, I would kill Donald Trump if I could, but that would make him a martyr. I will, however, take down every statue erected of that disgusting monster. At least in thought if not in deed.

One thing that I do fear though- is ever having to move back or live in the American south ever again. I would rather die than be forced to move back to Texas, unwillingly.

We put borders and labels on things we want to keep out. Rousseau said we descended into sin when the first person decided to own something. There have been a lot of Christians owning people for centuries. Binding, shackling people in metaphorical and actual rusted chains.

I went the wrong way on a mountain And this lady flipped out. She blasted her horn repeatedly. Her arms furiously hitting the horn. You could hear the anger escaping her fleece mom jacket. I threw up my hands and mouthed I’m sorry! I didn’t know. It didn’t matter to her. I wanted to ram her car off the mountain. She wanted to do the same to me. How many microagressions had she dealt with that day? How many other people had blocked both of our ways through the years? This wasn’t about this moment for either of us- or maybe it was. But it’s more than that to me. I fucking hate Americans.

Go suck on your twice-baked lard-based Lord. That’s what I want to say. But it’s not you, it’s not your fault your ignorant. You’ve been made, conditioned, to be that way. Don’t you fucks realize you don’t have to question the bigger things in life because our lives are so easy?? To be gross.

I am brave. I am thankful. Everything is always working out for me and for all of us. The collective whole is always benefiting from all that we have become and who we all are evolving into.

I got a parking violation at a parking lot in Vancouver. You can pay up until 6 am. And then at that point you can wake up, walk to the garage and pay the meter. Suffice it to say I didn’t make it in time. I woke up at 9 and realized I was already 3 hours late so whatever the worst penalty I could incur had probably already happened. I ate brunch. Really enjoyed it. Salmon omelette. Not the best but honestly for the value- unbeatable.

I smoke a joint. Upload a video to Instagram. Eat and enjoy my meal, plan out my day, pay my tab and walked to my car. At worst- there’d be a boot. But Canada is not as greedy grub-cash hungry as its pudge-fuck neighbor down south. That’s what I was thinking until I saw the $55 sticker-price violation. I just laughed and put it in my glove box. I drove out the parking garage Scott free because there were no arm-guards or armed guards blocking me from leaving. I had already decided I wouldn’t have paid a fine if I had gotten it.

What else can I do but concede my assertions, my frustrations, to paper, the ocean, the sky, to god. We’re still just cavemen a few evolutions twice removed.

I’ve been off my meds for the first time in 5 years. Not because I wanted to stop taking them. I am currently funemployed, off of insurance, and out of prescriptions. I can tell the didference. My thoughts aren’t as crisp. It’s harder to reign them in. They’ll stay at pasture forever if I let them.

I’m not as scared to look at hard truths about myself than I ever have been, that I can recall, post Christianity, post-counseling, post-insecurities I’m still working through, post self-castigation.

The farther I go on this trip, the farther I keep wanting to go. Why did I put time limits on this journey? Oh, because that’s what “you’re supposed to do.”

I don’t know if I’ll ever really settle down. I was listening to this podcast of oprah and feminist super heroine Gloria Steinem, as they reflected on her life and her newest book about her “life on the road.”

I resonated a lot with this message and with both women, who are heroines of mine. (Sidenote- #wormhole discussion- does it seem weird for a male to have female heroines?

I’ll have a home base which is important. But right now I am my own home. And my car. And the open road.

I think I get why Forrest Gump kept running-and-run-ing 😂. It’s not a running away. It’s not about going forward- not directly that is. It’s a about going because you still can. There are no limits. Except my bank acct, but that’s something that can be changed by a flick on a ledger (or credit card.)

This is the freeest I have ever been in my life. The boundaries are only self-imposed. I realize not everyone may have an opportunity to do this, but we all have our individual dreams which we can achieve.

Consciousness evolved on the earth into what you see today over the course of millions of years. The specific focused human consciousness developed when the qualities of the Earth had stabilized into a form that could appreciate and survive the subtle and monumental nuances of the Earth. What would be the point of creating, evolving life forms of broad depth and capability just to allow them to be burned away completely in catcylismic fires and lava pits?

There’s a wooden planked bridge around the geysers and sulphuric springs of Yellowstone. The furnaces that churned our earth into being can now be viewed for the cheap price of $80 a year. Old faithful has become an ez bake oven.

The Christian explanations for these things were based on absolute and circuitous thinking; for God is omniscient, omnibenevolent, omnipresent, and frankly an omnidick. Suffering could always be explained away as part of the divine will or was due to man’s sinful nature. The humanists and atheists and secular philosophers were so honest and willing to call out the fundamental errors of theological premises. See, when you present any argument through the lens of most religious traditions your argument must always end back at your original premise.

That’s why it is impossible to truly reason or convince anyone who claims they are following God’s will. At the time of the writing of the bible, most people thought the world was flat. Religion is man’s way of trying to explain and control infinite intelligence. I find it interesting that God is allegedly more interested about what should go on or shouldn’t go on in someone’s bedroom than we are. Our Earth is spinning approximately 24,000 miles an hour and we’re told God is contemplating our deeds and hearts. To use a colloquial expression- That is Absolute utter horseshit. Do you really think an eternally existing multidimensional possibly multiverse incalculably expanding infinite eminence is sending unbaptized dead babies to hell or some sort of purgatory to purge them for a mere emergence into the physical plane? If you can justify this in some sort of explanation that would make sense to an average somewhat educated human being and not backed up by some blanket bullshit Christian Muslim Buddhist faith explanation- then game on. I do not abhor this idea only because of the distasteful feelings that this imagery emotes- it plain doesn’t make sense in how we do and don’t understand the physical universe.

Cosmization is the perfect tool for condemning behaviors the “righteous” perceive as untoward. Be not fooled that the mighty and the rich wield power and dominion over the masses through the guise of religion and so often based in fear. A lack of faith that God can take care of himself. Humans so often believe that it is their duty to censor what “God” sees or hears on Earth. Don’t use God as your scapegoat for why you’re an intolerant bigot. The scapegoating of God is the result of people disconnected from their own inner-selves and looking externally for help and simultaneously someone else to blame. The gods we proclaim to worship means nothing except a check mark at a headcount. The things we give our time, focus, and thoughts to are our real gods. I am content to stay in this spiritual garden of abundant wellness. It says everything about us than it does of god.

The masses have always been silenced by the supposed word of God. Slavery was upheld by biblical passages. Suppression of women was/still is upheld by biblical passages OT and New. Jesus never said anything about homosexuality. It was man, namely one man (a former Pharisee and persecutor of early Christians) who briefly wove that into the New Testament.

For people who are so convinced god is on their side they sure are araid of a lot of shit. If two men kissing is enough to freak your god out, then you might be courting an ineffectual deity.

Failed dignitaries and dieties make for ripe political stomping grounds. Fear, guilt, and eternal judgment are the great underbelly of most religions. I’m not afraid of Leviathan anymore.

It’s like we spend half of our lives deprogramming ourselves from the bogus agendas of lack based mentalities that were socialized into us. I don’t think God or what we perceive god to be wants to be the horizon we look at. Rather, I believe God wants to look on to the horizon with us and from our own unique vantage point.

◦ See that the residual shit we have to deal with because of patriarchy

Marijuana was deemed unlawful by a committee of old white grey faced men who had never injested the plant. You can bet that the fucker who votes against gay marriage has either never had gay sex or has had sex with a man and loved it so much he had to jerk out for congress to sign his sin away. Like that’s ever worked.

“Gays promote Morality corruption….” oh my goddess to people who think that way. You are missing out on an amazing life because you’re taught to be afraid so you can perpetuate some old white fucker’s dream.

You can’t get affordable mediation in this life because of Satan’s influence in the medical industry. Your treasure is in heaven, butch it up til then.

We’ve boxed our selves, heavens, and future. I am alone, connected, unafraid, certain that the best is yet to come for humanity, for Earth, for us all.

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